happy april, y'all.
so. in the last two weeks, i have heard the group of therapists/healers/friends i have surrounded myself with all tell me the same thing: you are really mean to yourself. this has usually come after i have explained what the critical, anxious voice in my head has said to me in response to something i did/said/thought. lately this voice has been particularly cruel, stealing moments of calm and joy and replacing them with self-criticism and self-doubt. i know we all have this voice in our minds and so i never think much about it, but judging from the reaction i've gotten lately i think my inner mean girl has gone further down her mean path. girlfriend has no patience for her softer, more sensitive counterparts. she is on a rampage.
really. she is scared. she is so scared because things around her are changing. first and foremost being that i am no longer interested in letting her run me. nope. love her to pieces, but she does not know what is best for us. she is coming from a place of fear and she wants so badly to protect us, me, from getting hurt, but what she doesn't realize is the very things she does to protect me often end up hurting me in the long run. so...i've been defying her. i've been...enjoying myself. i've been...expressing what i want, how i feel. i've been...being myself. she doesn't understand that the calm, joyful, confident girl in me has got our backs and can carry her on this crazy road called life. so...
my girl is pissed.
as i said in the previous post, this year is dedicated to self-love, self-discovery, self-knowledge and self-intimacy. and that means learning to balance and love this inner mean girl while i nurture and support my inner calm, grounded, content girl. when i saw that the #100dayproject was about to start up again, i thought...well...what about dedicating 100 days to this? i did the #100dayproject a few years ago...i made it 60 days, writing one page of a novel a day.
this year, what if i wrote/shared/blogged/posted/whatever one thing i love about myself for 100 days?
because...it is really hard for me to not criticize myself, to not shy away from my quirks. it is all too easy for me to tear myself down...and i'm tired of that. i'm tired of it being easier to write a list of 100 faults. i want to appreciate myself, dammit. and inner mean girl would do well to have to calm down for five minutes while my joyful one spouted out sweet nothings about us. about me and all the different versions of me, all the dark and the light, the sad and the happy, the complicated and the easy.
i'm going to. it starts on april 3rd. i'll post here everyday. instagram probably too. feel free to read along...or not. after all it is really about me. and the sharing is for accountability but also because it terrifies me to share what i love about myself because it somehow feels...self-involved...? and because i'm worried people will roll their eyes. and because clearly i spend way too much time caring about what other people think and really if you think this is stupid you don't have to follow/talk/hang out with me so bye?
so yeah. i'm sharing. now to see if i can find 100 things i love about myself...