my anxiety has been back in full force the last few weeks and i've been trying to ignore it, but today i am especially feeling it and it has caused me to feel a bit stuck. the to-do list is sitting next to me and i know if i don't work on a number of things soon, tomorrow and friday will be stressful, but sometimes with anxiety you can't move forward...you kinda have to swirl around with it until you see a small way out.
i've been yearning to dive into some other modes of creativity lately. as you all know, writing is my first love...well...it may be my second love after reading...but its up there. but because writing is also my career, it is the source of much of the anxiety i feel these days. so lately i've felt like trying to find something else. something that was, is, just mine, for now at least. i want to paint, but that requires buying paints. i want to learn to make pottery, but that requires...time and a location to do so...so i am putting that on the list of things i can do once i graduate in june.
i can't draw for my life, but i've been interested in graphic novels, in comics, in little illustrations since i met with a comic book artist during a playwriting residency a few years back. ever since then, i pick up a graphic novel every now and again. for my birthday a classmate gave me a comic and last friday, i found myself buying two graphic memoirs. (actually, i distinctly remember trying to draw a small comic about my depression in middle school so maybe this has been a thing for much longer than i realize...)
one of the worst things about my anxiety is the guilt i have about having it. i worry about my worry. i worry about what it means about me and about my work. i worry that it proves many of the worries i have. i so often sit filled with anxiety, feeling guilty about not being productive. about not getting stuff done. which then leads to a pretty bad case of self-doubt and low self-esteem. my favorite is when this happens when i can't sleep at night. that's the best. not.
since being diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder a year or so ago, i have been trying to acknowledge that this anxiety is something that can't be ignored, is something i suffer from--not some innate truth about me, and that is difficult to deal with. i've been learning that some days i just have to accept that i won't get done what i want to get done, that i have to take the time to work through it.
so today, when i found my anxiety hitting a high and all the little busy work i could do was done, i pulled out some paper, found my black pen, and started to draw a little cartoon about my anxiety. maybe it sucks. maybe it doesn't. but it is how i feel today and drawing it helped, a bit. and writing this helped a bit. and maybe i can get a glass of water now and edit a monologue i need to work on or put together a piece i'm performing in three weeks. maybe. or maybe i'll just keep drawing until the to-do list drags me out of the house.
maybe i'll share what i draw from time to time. maybe i won't. to be continued...