walking around a bookstore yesterday i realized i was really sad.
a profound sadness had hit me and it was sitting in my chest.
and as i looked at books, i felt it lingering there and i was confused.
what the hell was i sad about?
i honestly didn't know. it felt like it had come out of nowhere and for no reason.
and so i went through my head of all the thoughts i had had since walking into the bookstore. and then i was like, "oh...."
and i realized they were all heady and pessimistic thoughts because that is pretty much how my brain works. having a nice evening with the boyfriend...my brain starts worrying about when he'll realize i'm not as cool as he thinks i am and will leave me (even now, my brain is like...who says he even thinks you are cool now? THANKS A LOT BRAIN. YOU ARE SO NICE, AREN'T YOU). having a snuggle with the pup...my brain starts counting how many years i may have left with him. hear the word fire...my brain starts freaking out and listing all the fire hazards in my apartment (to be honest, this is probably a good thing).
my brain is pessimistic as fuck.
so as i went through my thoughts, i realized it made complete sense why i was feeling like a puddle of sadness. in the fifteen minutes i had been in the store, i had worried about pretty much everything in my life: love, career, health, family...
it is amazing how quickly a brain can go through things.
the last thought i had before realizing i was on a pessimistic downward spiral was: i am going to die without having read all the books i want to read.
i can't tell you how often i think this and how depressed it makes me. i think i get more depressed about this than the thought i had right before that one which was i am going to die without having written the novels i yearn to write.
i think a lot of death, guys, okay...
ANYWAY, books. i want to read all the books. i want to write all the books. so i am going to need some time, money, and for y'all to take a break from writing so i have time to catch up and read and write, okay?
but i'd like to be able to get through a bookstore without needing a good cry so whatever works...