we've had a year, haven't we? this year has been all about you, change. all about you coming in and doing your thing and then not even waving on your way out. maybe you haven't waved because you aren't done yet.
whatever, change. whatever.
i used to think i didn't like change, but i think it is more complicated than that. i am fine changing cities, changing jobs, changing clothes, changing music taste, changing hairstyles, changing parts of my body (with tattoos)...
basically i am fine making the changes i want to make.
but it is the changes i don't want that are the hardest to swallow. and those are the changes that trip me, us, up. and this year has been all about that, hasn't it?
i don't like having to change my "plan"...maybe plan isn't the right word...maybe it should be "daydream". i don't like having to change what i imagine my future to be. i had a pretty good picture in my head last year, change. it wasn't perfect. there were still some question marks, but, in the end, i thought it would work out. and it didn't. and things changed.
the apartment changed. the dog's mood changed. my mood changed. my holidays changed. who i called changed. my reactions to things changed. my body changed. my imagined future changed. who i called my family changed. how i viewed past events changed. why i was going to school changed. people's view of me changed. my view of others changed. my idea of forgiveness changed. what i could afford to do changed. my time management changed.
my sense of self changed.
change, you sometimes get a bad rap. people tend to think of you as inherently bad and you aren't. some of those changes i listed above, though unwanted and though hard, weren't necessarily bad. in fact, some of them are very good. some of those changes are helping me find who i am and who i want to be and want kind of life i want to live.
but easy those changes weren't.
as you and anybody else who knows me knows, these changes are still being dealt with. parts of me are still fighting them.
what we do after the change is a question i am constantly asking. what we do when it feels like more changes are needed. what we do when we feel some changes need to be corrected. the aftermath of you change is often the hardest.
my father asks me constantly if i am happy. when i say, "no, i'm not". he says, "yeah. i know." (i then want to ask why he keeps asking me but i don't). the last time we had this conversation i said something like, "i can't make myself happy" and he was all like, "um, yeah you can."
and so, after so many changes this year, i find myself sitting and wondering what additional changes i may need to make in order to find happiness...really contentment. i don't necessarily mean big changes, though finding love i know would help (though i am currently reading a book that is all like, yeah, shit like money and love is great, but doesn't lead to forever happiness). i mean the things i can do, day-in and day-out, that would support my contentment. what shifts, what changes, do i need to make in my perspective, in my routine.
so, change, here we are. bedfellows. again. i am finally beginning to understand the idea that the only constant is change. i see it in my life. i see it in others' lives.
you, though not my best friend, are not my enemy.
what's next, change? how will you surprise me again?
(this is day twenty-seven of april love)