a friend joked that maybe the universe caused my breakup back in september so that i could spend more time with my mom and my dad. it is true that my time with them has increased exponentially. when i moved back to nyc in august 2014, it was the first time i had lived near home since i was 14. "you owe us four years," both my parents say. last time i lived at home, my family life was a little stressed. my parents, who haven't been together for most of my life, weren't getting along. there were fights. there were custody issues. there was a lot of avoiding and not talking and disowning. i was depressed and being forced into therapy. of course, there were good moments too--but it was just a tough time and boarding school became a place to run away to.
it has been interesting to be home again and to not experience many of those stressors. instead, i've gotten a lot more support. from my mom who came at 2am to console me after being dumped and who is at every race i run to my dad who calls me up to have dinner with him because, he says, "i'm lonely too" and who asks if i'm happy every time i see him, these past seven months i've really appreciated the fact that my parents are close by. i think i thought that being an adult meant creating separation between me and my parents...and to a certain extent, i still think that...but i also see how it can mean coming together in a different way. for my 30th birthday in march, my parents took me to dinner. someone alluded to the fact that i should be embarrassed by that. on the contrary, i was happy to spend dinner with the people who undoubtedly love me the most.
lately, i've been feeling so grateful for my parents, but really for my entire family. and i mean all the sisters, brother, cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephew, the pup and all the friends who feel like my family. i've gotten to see a bunch of family and friendsfamily lately and i've just been amazed by how much i love them, how much i enjoy being with them, how much i've been able to get through and deal with and do because of them. it can be lonely sitting up in an apartment with just the pup, but i am reminded every single day that i have people in my life that care for me and have my back when i feel like i can't keep going. i have people who i love dearly, even when i don't talk to them for long stretches of time. i have people...and how lucky i am.
p.s. i also have a pup. and he is my family. and if it wasn't for him, i may not have any kind of contact with a living thing on some days. i may not be touched in any way. lately, i've been finding myself holding him a little tighter. he's a dog. he likes me because i feed him. but he is my compadre. my four-legged friend. i dream of having a family "of my own". i dream of creating that with someone i love. but i have the first piece of that puzzle already. i have the beginnings of that family already. sometimes i forget that.
(this is day seventeen of april love)