a subtitle to this blog could be: how charly deals, or doesn't deal, with fear.
i find you interesting, fear. i find it interesting how you were, are, something that keeps us safe. you keep us from the ledge, from the bear, from the spider on the floor. and yet as we have morphed into these weird ass creatures, we've carried you with us. most of us may not be battling bears anymore, but now the bear is really that woman at work or the airplane or the man we have a crush on. now the ledge is standing in front of a group of people, being honest, saying, "i love you". the spider on the floor is still the spider on the floor (because spiders can be scary! bears are scary too. okay, so we just have more fears now...), but also looking into someone's eyes or getting someone's name wrong.
fear, i find it interesting how you make us, make me, hold on. you make me hold on to things, to people, for dear life. i am fearful of what happens when i let go. i am fearful of being alone, of being hurt. i am fearful of not having a plan, of the unknown. i am fearful of the fall, of the brush of air.
it is like those trust falls in school. the ones when you'd fall back and have to believe that your classmates would catch you.
(let me take a second to say, fuck every classmate who thought it was funny to not catch the person falling.)
i am so fearful of not being caught, fear. and so i almost never try to fall.
then sometimes i run towards the fall.
it is strange, fear.
but, fear, you are good too. my best work, as an actor and as a writer, comes when i am terrified. when i am writing something that scares me or when i am terrified before a performance. the energy you provide then is wonderful and so, as much as i curse you, i also appreciate you.
you also get quite a thrill when you do the things that scare you. running half marathons, going on a date, raising my hand to disagree...i enjoy that too, fear.
still, i think you've ruled me too long. or rather i've let you rule me. i know that fear will always be a part of my life...but i don't want to hold onto what i know as much, fear. i want to let go and feel my body moving through the air (not literally, as i still have no desire to do anything like bungee jumping or skydiving...that is a fight i am perfectly happy to let you win, fear). i want my chest to not feel as tight. i want to laugh.
like really laugh.
i didn't realize until this very moment that i am afraid to really laugh, fear.
but i am.
i guess i am really afraid of feeling. feeling the good, the bad. it seems the only thing i let myself really feel is you, fear.
i object. i have been objecting...
i feel like this year, these last seven months, have been and will be about kissing you on the cheek, fear, before i go on dates the rest of my emotions.
before i go on a date with myself.
because you are not the only thing i want to feel in my belly, fear.
i want all the feels. every. last. one.
(this is day twenty-two of april love)