dear future me,
i have so many questions.
do we ever move into the tiny house i dreamed of? do we ever get the second dog? do we try the capsule wardrobe and hate it or love it? oo, oo, do we try the whole uniform wardrobe thing and just wear black, white, and red? do we ever learn to really walk in heels? my tarot card reader said i was supposed to fall in love this april and it is april 12th and i've had no luck, but do i fall in love by april 30th? okay, assuming she lied, do we fall in love again? or at least think we do? or...you get it. do we keep writing plays or do we give up? do we tell men who are mansplaining to shut the fuck up now? (please say we do) do we have beautiful kids? do we finally make any money? do we see our name as a writer on the big screen (or does andrew keep his word and cast you in one of his films because he made you be in his college films and you deserve some kind of reward...:P)?
really, though, future me, i just wonder if we, you, are happy.
that is my biggest concern.
future me, i think about you too much. really, i do. i am already sad and disappointed on your behalf, future me. it is like i am looking down the lane and am like, no, no there is no way this gets better. lets just give up hope now. i'm sorry i don't have more faith in you, in us, to create the life we want, future me. i guess that shows just how much i struggle with self-esteem and contentment. i hope that these struggles are memories for you, future me. i hope you are reading this letter and laughing at me, at you when you were me. laugh away, future me. i hope that is what we do instead of nodding because all the fears i have came true, because all the fears are still there.
future me, i will struggle now to make you happy. i will. i will fight against the depression and the anxiety. i will fight against the fear and the sadness. i will fight against the jealousy and the feeling bad for myself. i will. for you. i do it for you.
because i have dreams for you.
future me, are you as scared of life as i am now? i hope not. i hope you board planes and climb mountains and run marathons (okay, maybe not marathons because i am a little tired of running now and have trouble enough imagining making it to november 6th for the marathon we plan on running...oh god, future me, do we run this much ever again? i hope not but i also hope yes...so...)and take risks with your eyes wide open. i'm not talking crazy risks--i.e. jumping out of a plane, which is all good if you wanna do it, but i don't so you should respect that, future me (also, future me, if someone wants to imply that you are boring or not fun because you don't want to jump out of a plane, just punch them in the face. i know you probably don't condone violence and all that, but i am tired of my preferences being belittled and i hope you are quicker to fight than i am).
anyway, i hope you are taking us on a crazy ride, future me. i hope every disappointment has given you more fuel to live the life you want to live and say goodbye to the things and people who are holding you back and hurting you.
i hope you live and feel grounded and feel ease. i hope you see the world and you write all the things and you laugh and love and feel pain and feel pleasure. i hope you live until you are in your 100s, like your grandpa.
speaking of which, does grandpa ever get to see you walk down the aisle and see you have a child? he is bugging me about it now and i'm afraid to tell him that the chances of that are looking pretty slim unless he is willing to hold on until about age 110, which he probably is, and gives us a little more than 8 years to make that happen, but jesus, the pressure. on second thought, don't answer that future me. i don't want to know.
also, does george the pup keep his promise and survive until we are at least 39?
god, i got morbid real quick, future me. sorry. sorry. this is why you need to take me to the beach to watch the sunrise.
but really, future me, are we ever featured on some style blog? or do we ever publish that novel? do we sing at a jazz club or learn flamenco in sevilla? do we do a wine tour in france and italy? do we say i love you and mean it? do we ever get unafraid of planes? do we fill the apartment with too many plants? do we read all the books we want to? ahh, future me, do we? or do we finally lose it and say all the things we've wanted to say and do all the things we've wanted to do (i feel on the brink of this, future me, so maybe we do it sooner rather than later)?
i can't wait to meet you, future me. if everything goes to plan, you will be one badass chick.
(this is day twelve of april love)