sometimes i feel you in the pit of my belly.
hunger, i feel you wanting more. you want more. and because of that, i want more. i want more than what i have, what i feel. hunger, you want me to break through something, but i am not sure what. you are trying to stir me, lead me belly first, but i don't know where you want me to go.
i've never been good at deciding what i want, hunger. when it comes to food or life.
sometimes i feel that you want me to devour myself. that you crave a piece of me. sometimes i feel the only way to calm you down is to cut a piece of my skin and somehow try to feed you. "here," i will say. "here is a piece of me. take it, if my destruction is what you want so bad." do you want my destruction, hunger? i can't tell. i think sometimes you do. sometimes you crave me to crumble so badly. to give up. to destroy myself. i know because i feel it. because i want it too. its weird to feel both. and there are nights where it is a battle of survival. a battle of starvation. you see me as the oasis, hunger. you see me as the meal. and i have to fight you, convince you another meal is around the corner, that you can be satiated by other dreams and hopes and not by my body and my life.
we had a night like that last night, didn't we hunger? we are still fighting now, aren't we hunger?
but you are confusing because you also want me to stand at the top of a tall building and scream into the air and cry and laugh and feel everything so heightened. i think you crave that hunger, because i try to dampen you, and all my emotions, down. you crave intensity. you crave feeling. you crave the big things. you crave a big, full life. you want it. you need it. i want it. i need it.
don't you see the contradiction, hunger? don't you see the mixed signals?
you want me to devour hills on hikes, and pages of words. you want me to devour the sun, and the ocean. you want me to devour running shoes, and notebooks. you want me to devour love and compassion and passion and longing. you want me to devour light and calm.
you crave success and family and more than this morning, sitting at this table, with this coffee and computer at your side.
you want more, hunger, i know. and i know you do because i do too. i crave it too. i long for it too.
i feel you, hunger, at the base of my belly. i feel your cravings and i feel you beginning to turn to me, looking for satisfaction, looking to be satiated.
don't devour me in the meantime, hunger. hang on a little longer.
give me a little more time to get it right.
(this is day eleven of april love)