i think you can be a bit of a trap, kindness. it isn't your fault, but you get tossed around and you get thrown onto people. women are supposed to be kind. we are taught to be kind. yes, we all are taught to be kind, but for women, we are often taught to never show anything but kindness. we are taught to smile and be nice. and thats all good and well, but no one ever really points out how different kindness feels when it is faked. if you do not feel like being kind, then perhaps it means you shouldn't have to be kind in that situation.
i get caught in the kindness trap. in therapy, my therapist will ask me why i am/was afraid to share how i really feel about things and people, why i am afraid of getting mad, why i am afraid of letting things and people go that hurt me...and it always comes back to this need to be kind, or at least to be seen as kind. it seems i've added the word kind to the definition of myself without stopping to think about whether it really is a part of me.
yes, i'm kind.
but i'm not only kind.
and, of course, kindness...of course you continue to be more complicated because i think of you as a part of me and yet the last person i am kind to is myself. i am not kind to myself, my body, my emotions. i think i should be further along in life, in my career. i think i should be more successful. i think i should be prettier. i think i should be more fun. i think i should be more exciting. i think i should be smarter. i think i should be more interesting. i think i should be more. more. more. i think i am to blame for things going on or not working out. i think i am flawed. i think i am a big mess.
i am not kind to myself in the least.
also, kindness, i don't know how to receive others' kindness towards me. i'm an awkward bumbling mess when it comes to that. i don't think i deserve it most of the time.
kindness, i need you to sit me down and get me to close my eyes and meditate on being kind to myself. kindness, i need you to help me rest, help me stay calm, help me breathe. kindness, i need you to teach me to be kind to myself.
because then i can truly be kind to others. then i won't be faking...because i'll really know how it feels to be kind and to receive kindness.
then perhaps i'll become this kindness beacon, shooting out kindness from my fingers and toes, even while giving someone the middle finger if they deserve it.
i want to be that.
(this is day eighteen of april love)