i'm always surprised by you. you'd think after 30 years, i'd be used to you by now, but instead i'm always a bit taken aback. i never expect the face i see. i'm not sure what face i expect to see, but when you stare back at me, i sometimes have to remind myself that the reflection is me. that is how i look to the outside world. that is who is trudging through the day.
this shock probably points to the fact that i have had trouble accepting you, reflection. i've had trouble reconciling the image in my head with the image in front of me. there have been plenty of times when i've stood in front of a mirror and gone over each part of my body with distain. i know i'm not alone in this. i know a lot of us have and continue to do this.
far less often have i stood and stared at you reflection and seen the things that make you beautiful, that make you, you. i'm beginning to do that more now, but it has taken time.
reflection, i stared at you last night and noticed, for the first time in a long time, the birthmark on my neck. it stood out more than usual and i remembered that people see it when they see me. and suddenly i was worried. i was worried about the number of people who may have lumped me into the unattractive category because of the not-that-visible birthmark on my neck. on the flip side, earlier that afternoon, i had stood in front of a mirror, trying on yet another jumpsuit that i don't need, and i put on my sunglasses and i loved the reflection that stared back at me. i thought you looked cute and confident. i thought i looked attractive and like myself.
it is amazing the rollercoaster we go on, reflection.
reflection, this is supposed to be a love letter to you, to the one that stares back at me, to the one i see and i know. but it wouldn't be honest to just sing your praises. sure, sometimes i do. i love looking at you and seeing my body toned and fit from all the running. i love looking at you when my hair is just right and the bags under my eyes aren't as dark as they can be and my skin isn't a bumpy hellhole. i love looking at you then, but it is harder to look at you first thing in the morning or late at night or after i've eaten or after i've cried. oddly enough, it is strange to look at you when i am really happy and when i am really sad. it is harder to love you then. i'm not sure why.
but you are both my reflection. you are both me. i guess this is why self-love is a process.
reflection, sometimes you betray me. sometimes i think i'm sending positive energy into the world and i'll look at you and see that instead i'm sending 'i hate everyone' vibes out. sometimes i think i look happy and energetic and like everything is going well and i'll see you and see that i can't hide the emotional struggles as much as i think i can. reflection, what is sort of awesome about you is that no matter how much i try to manipulate you, you ultimately cannot be completely hidden. my eyes usually are the tell and when i stare into my eyes, into my reflection of my eyes, into you, i can see the truth. i can see how i am really feeling.
it is amazing how most others can't see that or refuse to see that, reflection. then again, they are not used to looking at you day after day. then again, some others just don't care to know.
reflection, thanks for reminding me that i am here. thanks for reminding me every morning that i woke up and i am alive and here. here.
thanks for reminding me that i can change and will change and yet won't change.
thanks for reminding me that some scars fade and others don't.
thanks for being the first layer that encounters the world.
(this is day twenty of april love)