i have trouble not doing anything.
like sitting down and not doing anything.
i meditate every day now and every time i sit down, as soon as i start the timer, my mind goes to all the things i have to do. before long i am drafting 100 item to-do lists until a voice comes in yelling "CHARLY YOU ARE THINKING STOP THINKING". (p.s. i am working on making that voice nicer)
my point is that i am a doer. i get upset when people don't actually do the things they say they will. i am still harboring anger at those who did not do anything at theater strikes (really...i am still judging you from afar). more likely, i am a fixer. i want to do something to fix something.
i spend a lot of time in my therapy sessions talking about how i just want to do something to fix how i am feeling right now.
and every time she looks at me and i shake my head and i say i know, i know.
i know there is nothing i can do.
there is nothing i can do.
i don't mean that in a defeatist way. it is just the truth. there is nothing i can do to make the feelings i've been feeling go away any faster. or rather the only thing i can do is let them run their course. the doing in this case is just sitting and letting it all happen.
sure, i can run and i can eat healthy and i can keep working and i can read 13 books in a month and i can go to wine class and meditation class and i can write blog posts and i can write plays and...sure i can do a bunch of stuff...all of which contribute to me and my life and my growth.
and sure they may help.
but they can also just mask how i am really feeling...which is shitty. and, again, i don't mean to write that in a boo-hoo look at me sort of way. it is just the truth. i feel shitty. and even though i felt great after my run today, even though the glass of port i just had was tasty, ultimately when i sit still for one damn second, i feel shitty.
and i need to sit with feeling shitty. i need to feel the shittiness. i need to stare at a wall and go through every stage, every emotion that is a part of this shittiness. because that is the last thing i want to do. it is the last thing i want to deal with. i want to do anything to make it go away.
because i don't want to deal with what is coming up. what things are being revealed. what new things i notice about myself, about others.
i don't wanna.
but that is what i need to do. that is the doing. the doing is nothing.
i look at my do. or do not. tattoo a lot. i realize i'm all about the do. but the do not is just as important. sometimes the test is to bow out, to step back, to stay in, to be quiet. sometimes the choosing not to do is the best action.
i wrote about how i've been quiet lately, a consequence of spending much of the last six weeks alone. and i was worried about it. worried what it meant...but tonight, as i struggled to just sit and drink my glass of port (yes i drink port at home, WHAT OF IT?), i realized that maybe it is just my body's way of taking a step back. maybe it is my body's way of allowing me to feel what i feel without having to pretend i feel otherwise.
i don't have much to say in social situations. do not.
i do have words that stream out of me and into my journals and blog posts. do.
it is a delicate balance. i meditate, which feels like doing something, but really it is about connecting to the self that is there when you aren't doing anything--your doing nothing self. i go to therapy, do, to get reminded that i should just let myself be, do not. i mean, the word 'do' is still there in 'do not'. there is action implied in inaction (which we know from every quote that reminds us that doing nothing to fight for our beliefs is pretty much equal to doing something for the beliefs we disagree with).
so maybe i can somehow convince my doer side that not doing is just doing in disguise? maybe?
right now, i've found myself pulling away from things. i know that can be bad, but lately i've been thinking it can be good. i've stopped wanting to do as much. i want to do nothing with myself more.
do. or do not.
they should get equal weight.
so here's to being able to just sip a glass of port, feeling all the emotions that come up, and not trying to do anything about it.
p.s. thanks to star wars for contributing to my spiritual growth.