i woke up freaking out this morning. my heart was beating. i was covered in sweat. i couldn't catch my breath. i kept telling myself that it was okay. i was in my bed. i was in my apartment. george, the pup, was next to me. i was okay.
i woke up freaked out because i dreamed i had killed someone. a woman. a young woman. a helpless, defenseless woman. at some point in my wake-up freakout, it hit me: i think the person i was hurting, killing, in this dream was me.
i was strangling myself. it was a version of me that didn't look like me. but in the dream i remember referring to her as me. i kept my hands around her, my, neck and i squeezed. i kept squeezing until she, i, didn't move anymore. and when that was done, i wasn't freaked out about what i had done...i was freaked out that sherlock holmes or derek morgan were going to discover me and put me in jail (this dream may also point out that i have an obsession with crime/mystery/detective tv shows).
what the hell, brain?
i must admit realizing that you strangled a version of yourself in a dream is a bit freaky. i immediately thought back to yesterday which was a surprisingly difficult day for me. perhaps the endorphins caused by birthday celebrations and my trip to chicago wore off. i don't know, but i've been feeling like i've been in a pit for the past few days and completely unable to climb out of it. the nicer weather doesn't seem to be helping, in fact it seems to be causing me more strife. i should be happier, i think as i stand outside feeling the sun on my face. why am i not happier?
so, in some ways, i wasn't surprised by this dream's appearance. of course i would have a crazy dream like this when feeling this way. yesterday i went to therapy and broke down when discussing just how foundation-less i feel right now. i didn't realize just how much this insecurity, lack of stability in all aspects of my life, was affecting me until i was sitting across from her...unable to compose myself (fyi: this is what your saturn return is supposed to be all about and i'm in the midst of it and who knows if it is really a thing or not, but i'm going to choose to believe that it is and that is why everything feels like a big mess). we went on to talk about my tendency to assume the worst, to convince myself of certain truths that would explain why certain things i want won't come to me. i felt myself getting angry, not wanting her to take this habit away from me. it is how i survive certain things, i told her. she nodded. all of our habits are there for a reason. they were useful for us at some point and it can be hard to recognize other ways of coping.
anyway, that was my yesterday and so the dream didn't seem that far off. i did a quick google search to look at some of the possible meanings of the dream...and i became even more convinced that this dream is all about the crap i'm dealing with personally right now. it probably has to do with anger and aggression that i have pent up inside me these days. and there is a lot of that. i know it because i feel it. i don't think it is a mistake that i've chosen to run my ass off this year. i am quicker to anger these days. in the shower, i've made my fair share of angry speeches "to" people (well, my ex. mostly him. and myself. and like random people on the internet). i'm still trying to figure out the best way to get the anger and aggression out of me because clearly there is still a lot in there.
the anger and aggression in this dream were also directed toward myself. which also makes sense. in meditation class earlier this week, we discussed times that we are friendly to ourselves and times we are aggressive to ourselves. take a guess which was an easier question for me to answer. a lot of the anger i have towards myself has to do with my emotions. i am angry for how i feel about things. this isn't new. this is why my current personal project is to learn how to just feel my fucking emotions and not tag them as good or bad. just feel. that is hard. really hard for me. i live a lot of my life feeling like i "should" feel another way. i should get a poster that says "stop shoulding all over yourself".
in my google search, it became clear that this dream could be pointing to this idea that i've been hiding an important part of myself--a part that i need express in order to be happy. the violence and aggression toward myself in the dream could be that i am trying to kill off negative thinking patterns, the ones that suppress a part of myself that needs to be out and about. in case you missed it, this is what both my playwriting teachers have said about my writing...that something is being suppressed and needs to come out.
say what you want about dreams, but lately they have seemed pretty straightforward to me. it is pretty clear that i am working through some stuff as i sleep. that i am battling loneliness and anger as i lay in bed. and, perhaps, i am battling them as i sleep because i have tried to stop the battles during the day. and perhaps that is why this pit has felt so hard to get out of...because lately i've been feeling like i'm a zombie, walking around feeling emptied out. going through the motions. doing what i need to do because i don't want to mess up what i've worked so hard to accomplish thus far. also, i've been exhausted. perhaps i am not sleeping well because...how could i be when i am trying to strangle myself as i sleep?
i am taking it easy today and tomorrow. i have a lot of work to do and i am running a half marathon on sunday. i am going to see what i can do to breathe and just let whatever comes up, come up. i'm going to try to listen to the messages my body and mind are sending. i am going to try not to stifle the things that need to bubble to the surface. i'm also going to try to watch something nice, like a comedy, because damn...