on parks and rec, there is an episode when leslie, if i'm remembering correctly, has the flu. and she says "everything hurts and i'm dying". she is standing there smiling, looking seemingly okay, as she says it. for the last two weeks, i keep hearing her voice in my head.
"everything hurts and i'm dying."
and then my brain adds: but you aren't.
the times my depression has been the worst, be it because it just was bad or because of something like heartbreak or grief, that is how it feels. like everything hurts and i'm dying, but i'm not. in the past, in my darkest moments, that fact was frustrating. that fact caused pain. that makes me really sad to remember. now though, luckily, it doesn't and that makes me happy.
actually i am living. actually i like that i am living. actually i love and am so lucky that i am living. despite the pain. despite the fact that it feels like my soul is dying. actually my heart is beating and even though there are chest pains and body aches (and in my case terribly sore calf muscles after not working out for over a month), i am okay. i am breathing and living and time is rolling on.
and it is crazy to me that you can feel this way and yet good things happen. there is good news and exciting news and the sense of change and growth and possibility. and yet there is laughter and wine with friends and play readings and meetings that fill you with joy. and yet there is looking in the mirror and seeing your body, seeing yourself in your underwear, and seeing this beautiful being smiling back. and yet there is a satisfaction to coming home and sitting on the couch and putting on a record and having tea with just the dog. and yet there is contentment in the quiet and solitude.
living in this place confuses the hell out of me. my brain screams for clarity: ARE YOU HAPPY OR ARE YOU SAD? ARE YOU HOPEFUL OR ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE GOING TO DIE ALONE AND SUPER SAD? DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, DO YOU BELIEVE YOU DESERVE LOVE AND SUCCESS AND CONTENTMENT? ARE YOU GOING TO LET SOMEONE ELSE DEFINE YOU? DO YOU SEE THE MAGIC YOU HAVE? DO YOU? OR ARE YOU DENYING IT? ARE YOU LIVING AND GROWING OR ARE YOU LIKE A PLANT WHO NEEDS BRIGHT LIGHT IN A DARK CORNER?
(she is loud and speaks all in caps now because i ignored her for a while and she is hella pissed)
everything hurts and i felt beautiful today.
everything hurts and i wrote 20 pages of new work yesterday.
everything hurts and i got exciting news.
everything hurts and i just want to watch grace and frankie.
everything hurts and i laughed with fellow writers last night.
everything hurts and my syllabus is done and i'm excited for the new semester.
everything hurts and for like 20 seconds yesterday i imagined dating again and i wasn't filled with dread.
everything hurts and i want to plan a vacation or go on a retreat.
everything hurts and i sleep through the night.
everything hurts and i'm living.
everything hurts and everything doesn't hurt.
everything hurts and i'm dying, but i'm not.