in this quest to explore myself more, i've been trying to pay more attention to my feelings.
i've written before how i have a weird relationship to feelings as of late. on the one hand, i feel like i feel everything. on the other hand, i was in therapy for nearly two years working on actually letting myself feel my feelings.
last week, i was struggling. everyday felt like it needed to be a mental health day. my struggles with depression and anxiety were at an all-time high. i spent much of the week struggling to do anything much less feel productive. when asked about it, i said i felt like i was both overwhelmed by emotion and completely numb. i felt like i needed to cry but i felt like my body wouldn't let me. a struggle i think i feel on some level every day.
anyway, since then, i've been trying to really check in about how i am feeling and letting myself feel the emotion and one of the emotions that feels like it has been taking up a lot of space as of late is: disappointment.
of course, this feeling isn't new. i feel as though getting older means, on some level, experiencing disappointment more and more. dreams are harder to hold on to as reality seeps its way in. of course, a lot of my daily life is about those dreams. if i didn't still have dreams, i probably wouldn't be attempting to be a playwright and in theater. i know i am a dreamer. i'm a fucking pisces for god's sake. with a rising sun in cancer. and a moon in scorpio. all i do is live in the land of make believe and emotion. all i do is have unrealistic expectations.
but, even still, being a dreamer has gotten harder. for me anyway. or maybe there has just been a power struggle between the side of me that is a dreamer and the side of me that is practical. who knows...
there are big disappointments and small disappointments. there are ones that stem from issues started years ago and ones that have popped up overnight. there are disappointments that feel as though they are selfish in nature, ones that i wish i could just get over because in the scheme of things they aren't that important, but then there are ones the linger inside, that fester, and that, i am afraid, appear out of nowhere. those disappointments make me irritable. those disappointments risk destroying other things inside and outside of me.
i think this is partially the reason why nonattachment as discussed in yoga and other eastern philosophies and religions has always spoken to me. being attached to outcomes often leads to disappointment. so there have been times when i have really worked on not being attached. but, on the flip side, i've noticed how in my quest for nonattachment i've been the one to give up something i really wanted or i've been the one to pretend it is no big deal or i've been the one to say anything is fine when really that is far from the truth and this usually leads to me coming across as a grump down the line to someone or something which just goes to show that really i am quite attached. or maybe it just means i have desires like everyone else that should have a chance of being met.
i don't want be attached, but i don't want to be pushover. this requires compromise often. with myself. with others. with the universe. i am not always the best at compromise, i know. i'm trying to get better. but i don't want to feel like compromise means denying my need/yearning for certain things either. mostly though, i'd prefer not to feel this damn emotion called disappointment.
on the train a few weeks ago with a friend, i discussed feeling as though i was in a type of mourning for a certain experience i probably won't get to have. i expressed that i was disappointed that i wouldn't get to have the experience so many others have and while i see why such an experience isn't necessary, i am still really sad about it. it was the first time i've really said it to anyone because i have been pretending (probably failing at pretending, honestly) that i am not disappointed.
it felt scary and sad to admit. it still does. it feels stupid too.
but that's just the thing...i'm usually trying to stop feeling an emotion because it seems "stupid". it seems "inconsequential". it seems "selfish". it seems "unnecessary". it seems easier to just try to go with the flow...
but i am trying to stay true to my promise to explore myself more. and that means letting myself feel these things and letting myself express those feelings. that means not putting myself in a position to feel like a pushover (because usually i am the one who puts myself there...since i don't want to feel the discomfort of putting up a fight). even writing that makes me feel scared. i'm afraid you will think i'm being too much. i'm afraid you will think i'm being irrational. i'm afraid you will think i'm not thinking, not being practical, being selfish. i'm afraid you won't like me.
ha. i guess i'm afraid you'll be disappointed in me.
maybe i'm afraid i'll be disappointed in myself.
either way, i guess i'm saying, i realized an emotion that has been lingering within the last few weeks is disappointment. and i am letting her come out to play. i am tired of her festering. i am letting her explore. i'm seeing when she is necessary and when is isn't. i'm seeing when i want to speak her name and when i don't. i'm seeing when she supports me and when she doesn't.
most of all, i am just going to try my best to let her stay.