i've been struggling with words since 2017 began. no words seem right. no words seem sufficient. the words i want to use seem all wrong for what is going on in the world. sometimes words just haven't come. quiet has settled in. fear has settled in. insecurity has settled in.
sometimes i don't know if the words don't come because they just aren't there or if, deep inside, i won't let them.
i wrote that i want this year to be about comfort and sparkle.
i want to feel comfortable in my own skin so much that i sparkle.
that's sappy, yes, but whatever. i want that sparkle. i want that glow (sans pregnancy...i'm not talking about that kind of sparkle and glow yet). i want that deep sigh out of my mouth that comes from being grounded and relaxed.
now, granted, it is not like it became 2017 and suddenly calm descended. on the contrary, there are have been deadlines, and trips to meet the boyfriend's family, and bad colds, and rehearsals, and worries about health insurance, and applications. and, of course, there is the looming reality that we are about to watch a man who has no business being president become, well, the president.
so...no. calm and groundedness have not settled in. self-acceptance has not settled in.
but i've felt them, if only for a moment, if only for an out-breath surrounded by in-breaths of worry and insecurity.
when reading the stories in roxane gay's difficult women. when spotting mt. hood. when eating pizza and wine with my boyfriend's brother and sister-in-law. when sitting on the floor of rehearsal and noticing i was in a yoga pose. when meditating. when grabbing drinks and food with the cast of my play and discussing the craziness we are experiencing right now. when sharing a quiet moment with the pup before bed. when sharing the details of a crazy dream i had with my boyfriend. when singing along in spin class. when walking in the rain in my hiking boots.
the sparkle and the glow, it seems, will be year long endeavors. lifelong more likely.
but at least i am starting the process now. at least i am attempting to find that footing myself so i can go out and fight the battles that need to be fought. at least then i think the words will come, will flow out of me without pause.
[if you are also finding it easier to read words rather than write words, take a look at my reading list from time to time. if everything goes to plan aka if i keep my resolutions, i'll be reading at least 52 books, 52 plays, and 156 poems this year and keeping track there. stay tuned.]