i haven't been writing as much lately on here. for a number of reasons. but in the last week, i've been really reminded how certain things come to haunt you. if you didn't do the work before, you aren't going to get away with it. and i felt like writing about it. so here i am.
i haven't really been doing the work to go deeper into my own self-awareness (i actually wrote about this back in july too...). it has been surface level, or focused on certain aspects of my inner life...but it has come to my attention in a big way that i haven't been lifting up the rocks and seeing what is underneath them lately. i've been staring at the ocean, but i haven't dipped my feet in.
like most people, i have shame inside, lurking. i am battling a rocky sense of self. i've been trying to keep up with the day-to-day without stopping to check in with how i was doing mentally, emotionally, and physically. like how i was really doing. like for real, for real.
i've spent so much brain space comparing myself to others these last few years. comparing my work to others. comparing my body to others. comparing my relationships to others. comparing my wants, likes, and needs to others. i didn't think it was that big of a deal really. we all compare, right? i was doing it in a "healthy" way.
not so. not. so.
i realized that i have a lot of internalized shame and frustration and sadness around many of these things. i didn't think i did, but whoa boy when you have an emotionally nutty year with high highs and low lows, that stuff comes up. and it comes up in a big way. it comes up in a "i can't ignore this anymore way". because it can swallow you whole.
i feel like i am beginning to notice and beginning to dig myself out. i am noticing the internalized beliefs i hold. i am noticing the way comparison is useless and, as the saying goes, steals joy. i am noticing how it does nothing but increase my anxiety.
i starting to do the work on myself again. with myself again. i am starting to ask myself real questions about myself...like...what do i actually like (do i even like lobster rolls, folks? or do i just like the butter i dip it in? SERIOUS QUESTION)? what don't i like? who do i really want to be regardless of any of the 'should's i carry? what is my body really like? what does my body really need? what really gives me joy? and so on and so forth...**
as i begin to ask myself these things, i notice all the stuff that comes up. a feeling of disappointment, of failure, of lacking, of not being good enough. i am noticing how pervasive these thoughts are, how insidious, and just how exhausting. i feel like i've been saying i am tired of trying to be someone else, the version of me my brain is convinced it should be, since i was in college. but i'm not sure i've ever let that version truly go in order to listen to the one who lives deep in my chest, who snuggles up to my heart.
i hope to this time around though. because it is exhausting. because i want to feel nourished and grounded. because my work, my relationships, my life need me to be me to survive and grow. because it would be nice to listen to myself and to love myself. truly. in a really sappy but goooood and truthful way.
**not going to lie, there is a scene in runaway bride where julia roberts tries a bunch of different eggs to finally figure out which ones she likes (eggs benedict, if you were wondering) and i kinda feel like i need to do that but with life and not eggs (i like pretty much all eggs so...).