it doesn't feel like my birthday.
i mean, i know it is. and my family and friends know. and i had a small birthday dinner with a cousin and my parents last night. and my boyfriend made me blueberry birthday pancakes this morning which was just about the cutest thing ever...
but it doesn't feel like my birthday.
i am usually someone who is like "IT IS MY BIRTHDAY EVERYONE LOOK AT ME!"
(i really like birthdays, ok?)
but not this year. i mean, i clearly am still announcing it here, but...
and that's okay. other emotions have been dominating my mind and body the last few weeks and they are lingering on--as to be expected.
i remembered this morning how my grandpa would call and sing to me over the phone. i remembered this morning how he'd fill my birthday card with one dollar bills. the birthday dictated the amount of ones i got. i would have gotten 31 one dollar bills this year. there will be no phone call and no birthday card and all of that is okay, and it isn't necessary, but it also just means that my grandpa is gone....
so my mind is in other places.
i keep thinking about life and death and how i want to live. and the nagging urges that i've had are screaming at me now. the urge to paint and to learn how to make pottery. the urge to write a book and to fucking fix my diet for once and for all. the urge to get the pain in my abdomen checked sooner rather than later. the urge to pass on projects i don't want to do. the urge to travel and see new things and meet different people. the urge to learn how to lift weights. the urge to NOT run the half marathon or 10miler i'm signed up for. the urge to teach and find fulfilling work. the urge to be done with school. the urge to sit by the water and just think. the urge to get my ducks in a row so i can one day introduce a little one into my life. the urge to create something bigger than me. the urge to stop caring so much. the urge to find myself beautiful again and just say "thank you" when complimented instead of shaking my head. the urge to feel healthy and well again. the urge to just let things unfold. the urge to believe in myself. the urge to let go of fear. the urge to soak in the lovely moments.
these urges are speaking to me.
maybe it is because i am 31 today. maybe it is because death shakes things up.
it doesn't feel like my birthday, but i feel the urge to renew myself like it is. so...that's something. that's a whole lotta something. and i'll take it. this 31 year old will take it.