in a conversation i had with my boyfriend a few weeks ago, i realized i am someone who needs to hold on to things.
let me explain.
i spend a lot of my time in worlds of my creation. in rooms, in situations, with people i have created. i sit and i close my eyes and i see them walking and talking and hurting and laughing. much of my day, thank the heavens, is spent making these worlds feel real and strong and fun and emotional and true and...the list goes on.
these worlds feel real and i hold them as real for my work.
i am a dreamer. as writer and as a human being in life. i have a lot of dreams. i have a lot of goals. i have a lot of expectations. i have a lot of emotions. and they are all in my head. swirling around there...
in the same place the worlds i create are.
duh. this is what being a writer is.
my point is that the very real goals and dreams and emotions i have live in the same place where i create my work. they live in this space in my brain that feels very real but cannot be held. it cannot be opened and looked into. it cannot be inspected. at least not without having a lobotomy.
but sometimes it feels like my brain can't hold onto all the dreams as if they are true and real. i can't see them all as possible. so some begin to feel more amorphous. some begin to feel less possible. some begin to fade firmly into the world of imagination and make-believe.
usually the dreams at the heart of my plays are able to persist. i write them down, after all. i print them out. sometimes, when i am lucky, actors bring them into being. but they still take some space up in my noggin.
and then my emotions and my dreams and hopes and expectations fade into the background--become things too dreamy and difficult to be grasped.
i find that in "real life" i need to hold onto things. i need to see it in writing. i need the handshake. i need things to be physicalized to feel them, to know they are true and real.
my tattoos are all basically reminders, things i don't want to forget and wanted to hold onto as truths. i let my skin hold them when my mind couldn't.
if i am honest, i think my enjoyment of bruises and body soreness exists because i yearn to feel pain physically when i feel pain emotionally.
in relationships, i've noticed my need for touch and for words that show love. most of us need these things, i know. i've just noticed that i get worried and anxious if i go too long without something physical that shows my partner's love. a text on a phone that i can refer back to, a hug, a letter, a kiss, a pat on the leg, a look in my eyes, a memento...something that feels in the here and now and not in my head.
some of my jewelry, the vision boards i've made in the past, the goals that used to be on my fridge, the self-care & happiness list i've placed on my desk...all an attempt to make things that feel very not real, real.
basically i believe all the people who say to write shit down and post it somewhere.
i like paper and words on paper. i like things to be written down and posted. i like signing contracts. i like rituals. i like physical acts and objects that make a dream, a feeling, whatever feel real. and in some instances i need it. i need it to feel like it is real.
i am amazed by people who can just hold a thought or dream or sentiment or feeling in their minds and know it to be true and whole. i am jealous of those who can think and trust, who can believe.
don't get it twisted, i don't think my way of being is bad. it is just different than some. i am just recognizing that i need something different than some folks. i process the world a bit differently.
for months, my boyfriend and i have been talking about something we really want down the line. we talk about it almost every day. we even talked about ways to save for it. yesterday my boyfriend took a small, but big step toward this dream project of ours.
yesterday was the first day i even considered this project as a real possibility. as something we could aim for in real life. before that it was just a dream, just something that lived in the make-believe place called my brain but now i can go to a website and see our dream baby-stepping its way to fruition.
and it feels real.
which feels good.
i like when my world feels real.