i want my brain back

guys, i want my brain back.

i want my thoughts back.

really i want to be able to think about other things other than my breakup.

that would be nice.

like hella fucking nice.

when my ex and i broke up the first time, years ago, i remember the frustration of feeling like my brain wouldn't let me think of anything else. everything was a reminder of him or our relationship or how i was lonely or how no one would love me again. cookies? well, he called me cookies as a nickname so i couldn't get near one without being sad. salsa dancing? well, we used to do it together and that was sad, but then it was even sadder to be at the salsa dancing club without a date and only a few guys wanted to dance with me but i wasn't that good so they eventually gave up and i usually left crying. waking up in the morning? well, i feel like shit and i blame the world and...specifically him or him and me or just me. me. i blame me.

eventually i gave in, taking trips to london (i was in england at the time) by myself, where i'd just walk around and think and see some of the city while these thoughts flooded my head.

i remember vividly the first day i went most of the workday without thinking of him. it was over a year later, i think. i was working in a school at that point and it was after most of the kids had gone home. i went to the bathroom and, yes, was sitting on the toilet when it occurred to me that i hadn't thought of him all day (which, yes, meant of course i thought of him the first time that day while sitting on the toilet...i dunno...). i screamed, YES! i did. i screamed yes and started crying because it felt like a hurdle had been overcome. now, of course, the next day wasn't like that and the day after probably wasn't either, but i had hope.

i had hope that my brain would feel like my own again.

now that i am back in a similar position, i know that one day i will scream yes and cry with happiness, but currently i am even more frustrated than i was then. i miss my brain. i miss having other thoughts. like then, i am in grad school and the fact that my thoughts are consumed by this means that my focus on school is iffy at best. i got my degree the last time, but i didn't do good work that last term. i did just enough to pass--something i had never done in my life, but was all i could manage. and that sucked. and it sucks now because i care about school a lot more than i did then. really. i am now going to school for something i love and working with people i love...and my brain is somewhere else much of the time.

the thoughts dominating my head this time are different than last time. last time, they were all focused on him. missing him. wanting to be with him. now my thoughts, mostly, are focused on me. most of the time my brain is just highly aware of how, well, sad i am. a lot of the time my brain is asking itself why it is so freaking sad. or i think about the future and get sad because i am afraid it won't look like how i want it. or i think about how much it sucks to feel like my best friend left when my boyfriend left because they were the same person and how weird it is to accept that. mostly, right now my thoughts are focused on how the hurt i'm experiencing has ramifications on how i see and understand myself.

in many ways i am happy about having these thoughts versus the others. but they are still annoying as fuck.

it is like my brain is two people: there is the responsible, strong, practical, go-getter CEO mom and the petulant, emotional, annoying, overdramatic fourteen year old.

the CEO mom is all like: boo, we got this. why are you crying? you are fine. you like living alone...admit it. you like the idea of being with someone else...admit it. you'll find someone amazing when you are ready and if you don't, everyone can go fuck themselves because you are amazing and the world needs to know that. let's go focus on some real life stuff instead of all this shit in your head which is fucking you up because a lot of it isn't true and most of it does nothing but destroy your self-esteem so quit it. we have to go make our dreams come true. are you not reading that shonda rhimes book? she is kicking ass professionally, is raising three kids on her own, and is being a badass...it may look different, but that badassery...that's you in 10 years. you make your life. take the fucking reins. make it happen. say yes. pick up the phone when friends call, dammit. let's go do some work and then work out and then go out on a date and then take over the world so you can afford that jumpsuit you want, okay?

and overdramatic fourteen year old is like: i cccaaaaaannnnnn''t. everything is the worst. everyone hates me. no one loves me. no one will love me. i am the worst. i am so sad. isn't this just the saddest thing? let me go wallow. let me look sad while i sit here at this happy thing. oh look, remember that corner? that is a corner i walked on before when i was happy. remember when i was happy? i fucked it up didn't i? or he did. or i did. iiii dddooooonnn'''t even knooooowwww anymore. i know i am fourteen but can i please have wine....that is what i have learned from the shonda rhimes book....more wine always. oh look, bird. that bird is pretty. i like birds. the dog likes birds. my ex likes the dog. dammmitttttttttt....let's think about that boy i have a crush on. yeah. he is nice. he is cute. he'd be really nice to kiss. yeah. that would be nice. let's imagine that...but why? he'll never like me back. never. this will never go anywhere. i am going to die alone. fuck, can i just have the wine now? i am a terrible writer. no one wants to do my plays. no one likes me. that's what this breakup proves. no one likes me. i should just give up. why is life so hard? whhhhhhhhyyyyy?

CEO mom is like two seconds away from pushing fourteen year old into a closet and throwing away the key.

but she can't do that.

that's child abuse.

see...

anyway, my thoughts...they are  something like that.

all damn day.

this is why i am exhausted by the end of the day. it is also why i am quiet. my brain does enough talking as it is.

i really look forward to being able to think about anything else.

or nothing at all.

i need to meditate again, don't i?