it is late. not really late, but late for me now. and i am sitting in the dark in my living room. i can just make out the books in the bookcase due to the streetlights outside. and the dog just came in and sat near me. and i can hear my boyfriend shift in bed in the other room. and i sit in the dark in the living room with a headache and the sound of a bus pulling into the bus stop downstairs. and then there is the sound of my fingers typing away. and it is late and i am in the dark and i feel like i shouldn't have had a bite of a marshmallow an hour ago because now i feel a bit sick to my stomach. but the dark can help with that. it does.
and i have too much i should be doing. too much that got lost today. and tomorrow there is another to do list and my head hurts and the dog makes little dog snores and i enjoy sitting in the dark in the living room with only the sounds of the world around me and my own voice in my own mind and not out in the world too.
i feel like i've been talking a lot lately. in general. to lots of people. and i want to be quiet. i know i partially want to be quiet because i am scared of what happens when i open my mouth. i am scared sometimes to encounter the person who comes out and the person who is left to deal with the one who comes out.
the dog growls as he hears a dog bark outside. he sits up and stares out the window.
sometimes i want to stay in this quiet moment, in this living room in the dark, with those i care for nearby and i don't want to have to say anything or be anyone but a person thinking to herself. i want to just worry and complain and fight and cry and laugh and feel numb all in this dark space, all in the quiet of the evening, all in my head.
the boyfriend shifts in the other room and the dog has gotten upset by another sound and i am moments from gathering them up and exhaling because with them in the dark in this apartment i can just be quiet and be me--
and yet let me linger in this moment, let me linger with just me a bit longer, let me stay in this quiet in this darkness in this place for just a moment longer--
before i close my eyes and get ready for the light for the outside for a day of words again, let me breathe the words out here in the dark by myself
in the quiet.