a big lesson i got this year:
hiking boots are super comfortable and i kinda just want to have an excuse to wear them all the time.
i am one step closer to living my hermit life in a tiny house by the water, guys.
but, okay, the biggest lesson i got this year was:
we don't have a clue what is in store for us.
this is obvious. we don't know the future. but we spend so much time in our lives trying to guess what will happen, trying to plan accordingly, trying to make assumptions. we have been taught to believe if we do certain things, then we will end up in a particular place. it has what we've been taught. in school. in religion. in literature. it makes sense.
but it also leads to us making assumptions. because something happened before under certain circumstances, it will happen again. that is what we learn. that is why we don't put our hands around a hot curling iron twice--we got burned before and we don't want to get burned again. (definitely did that when i was young...)
we make certain thoughts and knowledge for granted. we assume some things have to work out because they just should. it is the right thing. it is the thing that makes sense. we did the work, we should end up with the prize at the end
but this year, in a number of ways, i learned that we can't make this assumption about everything. i learned that what i assume will happen, often will not happen--for good and for bad. i learned that i really have no idea what is in store, not really.
i had no clue what was coming down this nutty path called life.
i assumed i would have been celebrating hillary's win in november, not pondering the ridiculousness of our current president-elect.
i assumed i would go on yet another date with yet another guy that would disappear eventually, not meet a guy who says i should get used to his lack of sweet tooth and order dessert even when he doesn't because otherwise i'll be spending the next 70 years without dessert.
i assumed i wouldn't actually run a marathon, not run one and enjoy it and think about running it again.
i assumed i wouldn't ever dye my hair, not contemplate dying it again.
i assumed my 30th birthday would be kind of lame, not a lovely reminder of friends near and far that i love.
i assumed my granddaddy, my dad's dad, would still be alive, but he isn't.
i assumed i would get certain opportunities, not feel a bit sad that i didn't get them after all while also feeling happy to have others.
i assumed this year would be like the last few months of last year.
i didn't know i'd spend a lot of time in upstate ny. i didn't know i'd begin to really notice how i am the only person of color in my mfa program. i didn't know i'd crochet some gloves. i didn't know i'd offend someone when writing a play and continue to feel terrible about it months later (as i should). i didn't know i'd get a lot faster as a runner only to get mad slow again. i didn't know i'd be so aware of my weight yo-yoing. i didn't know i'd get a few commissions. i didn't know i'd watch so much soccer. i didn't know how lovely it would be to hold one of my oldest friend's baby. i didn't know i'd walk across the brooklyn bridge for the first time. i didn't know i'd get to spend thanksgiving with both my parents along with my mom's parents and my boyfriend and the pup. i didn't know how busy i'd get. i didn't know i'd hike in catskills.
i didn't know.
and how sad that is some of the time.
and how great that is a lot of the time.