(prepare yourself for another charly suffers from an anxiety disorder post...)
my favorite moments are when i am with my dog and my boyfriend and we are just reading on the couch and the dog is between us and we are quiet together.
i don't feel anxious then.
but i feel anxious now. sitting at my computer at "work", staring at open word documents.
its may. grad school will be over by the end of the month. i have several months of things--of readings and workshops and and writing that needs to happen and a vacation that is also very necessary--but then the stuff begins to fade away and all i have is an open calendar and an empty wallet.
i've been looking out of windows a lot the last week, looking for divine inspiration as to what to do next, what plans to make, what goals to pursue, all while chugging ahead with the plays and novel i am writing. honestly, i've been feeling overwhelmed with feeling like i am not doing enough, not pushing hard enough, not being responsible or smart enough.
(sometimes i wonder if i want to do too much.)
i recognize this feeling. this is the feeling that plagued me before i started grad school. it is the feeling the plagues me whenever i feel like there is a turn up ahead and i can't see whats on the other side. its the feeling when the real world and my fantasy world feel miles apart and i'm not sure if thats a good thing or bad thing. when i feel this way, i begin having a list of tasks in my head, things i want to do that will make things "better". they usually have nothing to do with the things that i am worried about. its like...oh...i should clean out my closet. they usually consist of me being very type a and trying to throw everything out and start over. but that's not really possible, this starting over--and is it even really desirable?--and so i just get overwhelmed with that too.
so here i am. sitting here. staring at open word documents. trying to just...sit with it.
the truth is the slog is necessary and it is uncomfortable and it is scary. and i know it.
and here i am.
i am in the thick of it. and i keep looking out windows looking for a sign and getting frustrated when all i see is a pigeon. but that's it, right? this is the slog. i am slogging. i am climbing the mountain (i am not a very good hiker, i should note). its hard. it feels so hard but...
they say things feel this way before you reach a critical step, a peak, a shift. so one day i'll look out the window and i'll, like, see the path. i'll see what's coming? i'll see what's around the bend, right? RIGHT?!
until then i'll keep cherishing the moments on the couch with my little family and just try to breathe and not freak out.