i've been cranky lately, i said to my therapist.
she smiled and i continued. i've been cranky lately. resistant. to be honest i'm not sure if it is because of all the emotions bubbling inside or if i have finally reached the point where i am tired of hiding how i actually feel.
she smiled again and said, i think your badass bitch is emerging.
okay. fine. she didn't use those words. she said something like strong, opinionated, standing up for herself woman. badass bitch just seems more my style.
yes, i've been cranky a lot. or it feels like crankiness. i have not just accepted people's comments, feedback, statements at face value. i have pushed them on it. i have asked myself if i agree. i have disagreed. i've not put a smile on my face to get through it. nope. i've let my emotions seep out.
this is new for me. sorta. whenever i've been rocked emotionally, this version of myself comes out. i'm pretty sure i've written about this in the last few months--sorry for the repeat guys. but this version this time seems to be settling in. it is like she is sitting on my couch, legs crossed, arms folded, staring at me with a big smile on her face (p.s. girlfriend is hella sexy. like damn.).
i'm here to stay, baby, i hear her saying. i'm getting real comfortable.
the last few weeks i've discussed with different people in different situations how i have felt like i've had to really disguise how i have felt. i have felt like i couldn't really express my anger because then the conversation shifted to how my anger was the problem and not the thing i was actually angry about. i have felt like i couldn't show how much something hurt me because then i was too sensitive. i have felt like i couldn't push for what i wanted because what i wanted was seen as a problem, was seen as bad. i have felt like i couldn't be me, in some ways, because me was getting in the way of what others wanted. i have discussed how this has come up again and again in different relationships--romantic, friendly, and familial.
of course there is something to that. at some point, i must have learned that me, I, wasn't as important as you, the other. at some point, i learned that it was better to try to fit others as opposed to having them meet me halfway.
and i am tired of it.
and i am cranky.
and i think i am cranky because i am fucking tired of bending myself so that someone else is satisfied.
you know that line in hamilton: you strike me as a woman who has never been satisfied?
well yeah. fuck yeah. i am a woman who hasn't been satisfied. partly because i haven't found the right people to satisfy me, but mostly because i never put my satisfaction first and i'm talking satisfaction in all realms of life.
i am cranky because i want to be satisfied. i want my needs to matter. i also want people to be straight with me. no beating around the bush. just tell me. because i am working on being able to just tell you. i am cranky because i feel like i've been pushed into a mold and my body is aching and wants out and doesn't want you trying to force me back in.
you aren't cranky, my therapist whispered. you are just being honest with yourself and others. it feels like crankiness to you because you have learned that expressing these parts of yourself make you "too much" and "bad". you aren't being bad. you are being you.
of course there is part of me that takes that to mean that me=cranky. which may be true. maybe my true self is cranky as hell, which would make sense since everyone tells me i have an old soul and i am so ready to be an old cranky, grandma. or maybe once i get used to this i'll see that it is just me, expressing myself. i don't know.
all i know is i am not interested in hiding myself anymore. and ms. crankypants on my couch is doing her darndest to make sure i don't go back to old habits.