sometimes when a lot is going on i feel flooded with words. but these past few days, i've felt wordless. i've felt at a loss. i've been staring at notebooks and screens for hours before giving up or forcing a word or two to grace the page.
i've been feeling like i'm freaking out. like i'm panicking.
i'm anxious, as i went into on the blog a few days ago. sometimes anxiety helps me write. and sometimes it seems to make it difficult to put my thoughts into words. that's where i'm at now.
sorry that these first posts of nablopomo will be all about anxiety. and the marathon.
i am anxious about the words i want to use. i am anxious about how you will take them. i am anxious about whether they are good enough. i am anxious about whether anyone cares. i am anxious about whether you are tired of my words. i am anxious about their validity.
and that anxiety is stopping me in my tracks. deadlines are nearing and i still can't shake it. i tell myself that successfully running a marathon on sunday will help. or knowing the outcome of the election will help (or, lets be honest, it can hurt too...but that makes me anxious and is also part of the problem...ahhhh! #imwithher please vote, guys.). and maybe it will. i hope it will. because sometimes i don't realize just how the anxiety is getting to me until i get home and sit on the couch and tell the boyfriend and the pup about my day and feel my chest begin to loosen.
lately i've been wondering if this is the time that anxiety will really take its toll. i've been wondering if it will make me give up during the marathon. or show up to class empty handed. or shrug my shoulders at deadlines.
i hope not.
that is probably the anxiety talking too.
fingers crossed that by next wednesday i'll feel a little more grounded and ready to take on the world.
until then i am trying to let myself take it easy. i am trying to just accept that everything is a little off and that forcing it also causes anxiety. i am forgiving my terrible eating habits and the amount of time i spend zoning out and how tangled my hair is. i am forgiving my grumpiness and rambling and quiet moments. i am forgiving the struggle i have with words.
and i am trying not to fight myself so much.