it makes me sad that sometimes i don't like my reflection. that sometimes i, like many people, stare at myself and only see the imperfections. i look and see a list of things that should change. i stare at my reflection and sometimes only see the darkness, only see the failures, only see the things that could be improved by pokes and prods and make-up and diets and lord knows what else.
sometimes i look at my reflection and it is minutes later that i realize that i've been kicking myself mentally the entire time i've been in the mirror. i've been picking away at myself. i've been placing every negative thing anyone has ever said or inferred, every negative thing that society has ever said or inferred, onto my body.
sometimes it just has to do with the outside me. my looks.
sometimes it just has to do with the inside me. my brain. my feelings.
sometimes it is both.
sometimes i look at myself and think i look good. but usually there are strings attached. i've lost weight. my hair was just done. i am standing in a beautiful dress i shouldn't have bought but did. sometimes i look at myself and think i am a smart, talent, woman. but usually there are strings attached. someone else has assured me of my talent. someone else has deemed me acceptable. and for a moment, i feel good. my mom says i start strutting when i walk. but it makes me sad that it has to be a special occasion to not look at myself with a hint of frustration, a hint of suspicion.
and i know this is something so many of us do. so many of us look at our reflections and see nothing beautiful staring back at us. and i know this is ridiculous because i see you guys and i see your beauty. i was grabbing a drink with a friend last week and i zoned out for a second thinking she is so beautiful. does she know how beautiful she is? and not just of her outside beauty, oh no, beautiful on every side possible.
how lovely it would be for us to see the beauty, our beauty, our natural--we have it even when our hair is a mess and we haven't showered and when we didn't get the fellowship or the promotion and when we failed the test and regardless of hair color or weight or the number of stretch marks on your ass or the amount of hair sitting on your upper lip or abs or number of awards you've received or the amount of money you make or anything else that we are sitting and staring at, regardless of all of that, our beauty staring back at us.
how lovely it would be.
how lovely it will be when i/we can get there.