marathon anxiety (and happy nablopomo)

it is november again. 

and i'm, yet again, signing on to write one blog post a day for National Blog Posting Month aka NaBloPoMo (since I don't have time for NaNoWriMo).

enjoy the rantings of this crazy loon aka me. 

--

me. eating a levain cookie after a run this summer. 

me. eating a levain cookie after a run this summer. 

on sunday i run a marathon. if you know me, you know this because i've been talking about running a marathon for a year now. you probably are so sick of me talking about long runs and races and foot pain and hunger that you've been counting down the days until i cross that finish line. to be fair, i'm sick of me too. i'm sick of complaining about running. i'm sick of finding my runs boring and hard. i'm sick of being hungry all the time and then eating crap and then gaining weight despite all the exercise i do. i'm sick of chafing and smelling bad and not sleeping in and worrying about stress fractures. 

running and i are going through a bit of a rough patch as you can see.

this week, i've also been sick of the nervous knots that are in my belly. 

you guys, i'm scared shitless. really. i am. i know people run marathons all the time. i know many of you reading run them all the time. and thats great. but you all are super human and i am just regular human and i can't really fathom how this regular human is going to run all that way and wishing my pace were more like oprah's and not just collapse at mile 17. (pause. i was looking for oprah's marathon time and i came across this crappy article which insults celebrity marathon times...this is shit and this is why people don't run because people are jerks. fuck you, complex for this article. the average marathon finishing time for a woman in 2014 was 4:44:19. marathon running isn't just for those sub 3hr superhumans. i may never run a marathon as fast as oprah (who was faster than the average, just FYI) and that's okay and its not bad and shut up.)

i don't want to collapse. that is scary.

i'm scared of collapsing. 

i'm also scared of not collapsing because that means i'm still running.

it is all very complicated right now.

i'm at the point that seeing signage for the marathon or looking at the marathon course map makes me nauseous. my mom asked if i was at the convention center this morning picking up my bib and i snapped at her because 1) i can't do that until thursday and 2) how dare she bring up the marathon before noon? 

i have issues.

but in all seriousness, i'm scared. i'm legitimately scared about finishing. yes i ran 20mi two weeks ago, but it was hard. and i was slow. and i wanted to cry from mile 15 on. at mile 15 i'll just be getting to manhattan with 11mi to go. who designed this craziness? who said this was a good idea? 

WHAT AM I EVEN GOING TO WEAR ON RACE DAY BECAUSE I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING?

i should be distracting myself with the ridiculous amount of work and life i have going on, but somehow i still find myself staring at course maps and eating homemade chocolate chip cookies (baking is another great form of procrastination) and not doing the work i need to do. which means that after i run a marathon on sunday i'll have to come home and do all the work i didn't do and which is due the next day. and because i'm not fast i won't be home until late afternoon and i'll just want food and my couch and i'm already crafting my emails to professors and collaborators apologizing for the lack of plays in their inboxes.

cue more anxiety.

in other words, i'm an anxious mess. these are the days i want to hide under the covers. i honestly think i'd run away if it weren't for the fact that i've told all y'all that i'm running this thing and that all the work i have to do isn't done in a vacuum so others are depending on me. 

remind me to cultivate my introvertedness more. if i were true to my introvertedness, i wouldn't be in this mess.

so i am counting down the days until november sixth not only because it will be a crazy amazing and emotional day but mostly because it means i can do other things again. like not be as anxious. that sounds wonderful.

but also a teeny tiny part of me imagines the end of the race. it imagines me finishing the thing and smiling and crying and proving the part of myself who thinks i can't do anything, wrong. so i'm also counting down the days until she feels glory. like real glory. like not dependent on someone else, something else (except maybe the weather and the great water stop volunteers...def dependent on them), not dependent on the right person reading my work at the right time, not dependent on looking a certain way, not dependent on using the right words...

just me, my breath, my legs, and my brain. 

now excuse me while i get another cookie and freak out some more and finally do the work i set out to do at 9am. or not. maybe i'll just eat the cookie while "doing work" and watching elementary before class. anything is possible. don't judge.

 

p.s. i was interviewed over on lady parts. you should read it. i don't mention running.