with 30 only days away, i've been thinking a lot about my 20s.
what a weird decade, y'all.
how happy i am to be letting that decade go.
even if it is an arbitrary shift, i'm grateful for a new beginning.
stay tuned for that blog post in, oh, a week.
i got a note in playwriting class the other day about a character in a play i'm writing. people were confused as to why this character wasn't reaching out to someone about all the weird shit happening to her. when they said this, i was like oh, right....it never occurred to me that she would want to reach out to someone, that she could, that she would feel safe and supported by reaching out.
it took 12 hours to realize that i probably never thought about her reaching out because i don't reach out. i don't call my friends when i am feeling my darkest or even when i am feeling my happiest. sometimes my mom gets a call but often these days she doesn't. there would just be too many calls.
i sometimes get it out in a poem over instagram or in a blog post. and it feels like reaching out, it feels like sharing, but it isn't. not really. i'm not really sharing how i am feeling underneath it all. i'm not writing the blog post when i feel in the midst of a panic attack. i'm not writing when i am feeling like i may be the world's worst writer/friend/person/woman/black woman/dog owner/daughter/etc.
i tell myself i have to get through it on my own. that it is too much, too melodramatic, too revealing if i reach out.
in response to my realization, a friend gave me permission to complain. she demanded a list of things that were pissing me off.* it is amazing how therapeutic letting that stuff out can be.
those of us with this issue need to share that side of ourselves more.
p.s. my playwriting professors think i am holding myself back. they think i'm not really letting go into my writing. i can't help but see how that is a metaphor for my life right now and has been and if i don't open myself up soon, it won't just be my writing doing the suffering.
p.p.s. how do you open yourself up to something when you can't even see what is holding you back, closing you off?
there are still bad days. bad weeks. you hope there won't be, but there are. 5.5 months later and a certain memory, a certain phrase, a certain situation kills me and i find myself wanting to retreat. from what, i don't know. maybe feelings?
except now this feeling of heartbreak mixes with all these other feelings i've been feeling lately and soon i'm so fucking deep in feelings that i can't breathe. thursday was a tough day for that reason. things piled onto of others things and before i knew it was breaking down in a stairwell. i pulled myself together to only find myself breaking down in bed that night when my pup woke me up every hour or so throughout the night due to explosive diarrhea. in his defense, he never once had an accident inside, alerting me with enough time to make it outside, but i did really think i was going to lose it at 5am after maybe an hour of sleep, knowing i had to get up and run 8mi for half marathon training, feeling just as heartbroken and alone as i felt 5 months ago, feeling like a failure, wondering what the hell was happening, and then feeling bad because, like, friends with babies get no sleep and also everything is fine.
feelings have me drowning sometimes. sometimes treading water feels like drowning.
i'm learning that.
i'm also learning that you have to float sometimes to give your legs a rest.
i've always been scared to float.
i think i'm floating now, bobbing up and down, scared as fuck a wave is going to crash over me.
i've disabled/deleted all dating apps.
i'm giving up.
ok, ok. i don't mean that in a "i'll never find love" sort of way (ok, i mean that a little bit but that is just my overdramatic side talking).
the thing is i'm not sure about love right now. romantic love. whether i like it or not, the breakup has me questioning a lot of things about romantic love. a lot of my friends are going through some romantic love shit too. all of this has me questioning a lot about how we couple, how our relationships work, and what i'm willing to do and sacrifice in order to "fit in" to dating today.
i'm currently suspicious of romantic love in my life. i don't quite trust it. i don't quite trust myself or another person. i don't trust that someone will actually want to get to know me and be with me, the real me, not some me they have concocted in their minds. i actually don't even trust the words 'i love you' right now. also, fuck talking to people and never actually meeting them, fuck going on five dates with someone only then to have them say they have to "mull over" whether they want something more and then never hear from them again, fuck feeling unattractive, flawed, not adventurous enough, not successful enough, not sexual enough, not polyamorous enough, fuck all the sucky feelings you deal with in order to experience even one moment of wonder. basically: fuck feeling like this is all some game that is rigged. fuck it.
i don't want to play.
these past five months have seen a development in other kinds of loves for me, other kinds of trust, and the love and trust that needs that most nourishment is love and trust of myself. and at times loving myself and dating seem to be at odds.
i'm not sure i understand romantic love right now. i want it. i yearn for it. i want a husband and kids so badly. so fucking badly. and it feels weird to not actively seek it out but, of course, i secretly hope to declare this and to trip over the man of my dreams tomorrow so...
until then (or until i am sitting on my couch and desperate and hopeful and turn all the apps back on) i'm going to love on my friends, my family, my dog, and myself.
on the train today with a good friend, i told her how it feels like the world is crumbling down. like all these foundations in my life are breaking. what i could rely on before is not there anymore. what made me happy before pisses me off. what i thought i loved i actually hate.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
that is what i sometimes scream in my apartment. no one answers, but sometimes i wait for a response anyway. like maybe some gods or universe thing will send me a sign and i'll be like 'ooooohhhhhhh'.
sometimes i honestly feel like the only reason i am still doing anything i am supposed to do is because i have this perfectionist bitchy voice that is all don't you fuck this up for me just because you are going through 'something'. i have worked too damn hard for you to get where you are.
if it was up to freaking the fuck out charly, i'd be in bed watching the great british bake off day-in an day-out with george and a new puppy i bought on my way home one day(there are reasons for bitchy perfectionist charly. there are reasons indeed).
but seriously, universe, saturn return, whatever the hell, can you send down a map? show me the light at the end of the tunnel? start that upswing when things go from rock bottom to amazingly wonderful?
*things that piss me off: reading plays this semester primarily by old white dead men, people not calling to cancel things in advance, people not emailing when they say they will (to be fair, i am this person all the time now...oops), the fact that i don't have some hot boyfriend to take me out on my actual birthday, the cold, my dumbass knee being stupid and trying to fuck up my training, dating, washing dishes, people who talk to me like they know more than me but they don't so shut up, classes and having to go to classes, the fact that even if i write an amazing play i may never make money ever...ever..., men who date my friends who are dicks and are hurting them, men who are dicks in general, i may be pissed at dicks, old plays that are boring, getting fillings, forgetting to meditate two days in a row...grrr, the amount of money it costs to go to weddings/conferences/runs, money, my iphone battery, dumb people who say they are "tired of the topic of race" i mean...how easy it is for you to say that person who doesn't have to think about race all the time, running for making me hungry all the time, everything that reminds me of my ex, the books i buy even though i have no time to read, the fact that a day is 24 hours and i am supposed to spend some of that time working, the fact that i can't wish myself into success, the fact that my semester ends may 25th thus ruining a chance to travel with a friend, the fact that trump is a real candidate i have to worry about, netflix not having every show ever, my body's attraction to pretty much every guy it thinks is single, rejection letters, etc.
perhaps this post has been too...negative?
here is something positive: i've raised $860 so far for team for kids. i have to hit my first $1000 by thursday. so...getting there! help me? maybe? pllleeeeaaaassssseeeee.