i keep trying to write a post about the year. i keep trying to make a list of the awesome things that happened--because there were so many awesome things. the sad and bad things are there too and it is sad to me how they risk overshadowing the good things that happened. i want to write a list here to remind myself that 2017 was actually okay, but i keep staring at the screen and, you know what, i'm not in the mood to force it.
and this is probably TMI, but whatever...for the second time this month, i woke up to spotting heavy enough to soak through my underwear and my pajamas. after spending a year trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my uterus and being told everything is normal and fine (which it probably is, but this is an annoying new normal), this morning i was downright annoyed and sad. i know that this, on the scale of stupid shit that can happen in your uterus, is probably quite low, but it is frustrating...not understanding what is going on with your body...not understanding why it has changed...and most importantly, how it may be affecting how you are in the world...ugh. guys. the hilarious part is that it was the perfect way to start the last day of this year which has been a shit show of dualities. i am in portland, on a vacation, trying to have fun with people i care about and forget some of the everyday worries and anxieties...and i wake up to one of the ones that's been the hardest to deal with this year.
as 2017 comes to an end today, what i am really feeling is uncertainty. nothing right now feels stable and secure. and that brings about my old friend, fear. it is not fun or glamorous or really in the "new year, new me" spirit to claim that i am entering a new year uncertain and fearful, but it is the truth. i know we never know what really lies ahead, but this year has taught me to...well...expect the unexpected...in all the good ways and bad ways one can take that. and so while i have brainstormed some intentions for 2018, i tried to make them open...to see how they show up naturally. to see how they adapt to the situations i may find myself in in 2018.
my hope for 2018 is that i don't let fear and uncertainty eat away at me...that i just let them be a part of my normal...something there, but not overpowering. something present but not overwhelming. i guess, really, my hope for 2018 is that i show up stronger and more grounded and more myself than ever before...no matter what happens. no matter the good, no matter the bad, no matter how many times my uterus decides to wake me up with a surprise...