last week i turned 32.
i say that and can't quite believe it. how am i old enough to be 32? how is this person who forgets to feed herself 32? how is this person who still hasn't really found a pair of shoes that don't hurt 32? how is this person who still gets confused for a high school student 32?
32 is the age real adults are. not me.
but here i am. 32 and just feeling like i am being to get to know myself.
my therapist asked how i felt being 32 yesterday and it took only five seconds for me to start crying. really, i have no problem being 32. i am excited to be 32. i don't think i'm old or anything. i just had all these expectations for 32 i hadn't realized. i guess 32 was this *golden* age for me. the age my mom was when she had me. the age my grandma was when she got pregnant with my mom. by the time i was 32, i'd have my shit together. i'd be in a committed relationship. i'd have a stable career. i'd be a mother or about to be. i had plans for 32 and, well, life has looked at those plans and thrown them out the window.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, life says. we got another way of doing things. better saddle up. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
i was a little scared for this birthday. with all my expectations thrown out the window, it meant i had the opportunity to start fresh. 32 could be anything now.
anything. fucking. thing.
i have high hopes for 32, but they are completely different than what i expected. i want 32 to be all about...well...me. ME. i have decided to craft a version of a happiness project, but focused on self-knowledge, self-love, self-intimacy, and self-discovery. i want 32 to be a year that i figure out what i like and what i want and what i need--knowing these things shift all the time. i've been writing about this being the time for me to work on myself and i am just getting intentional about it. i am going to be a bit selfish...in a good way. i am going to indulge in me time. i am going to take care of myself better. i am going to get reacquainted with my gut and my heart. i'm not going to be militant about it--i have a habit of still being crappy to myself in the name of wellness. i'm going to do my best to not let this be just another way i feel i have failed. i am going to let it flow with just a little direction, a little guidance, a little reflection, and a lot of intention. i'll share a little from time to time probably.
i will be rounding out my 32nd year with my first professional production. [side note: i found out the theater was interested in producing my play the day my relationship ended. if the universe ain't got jokes...and signs...hella signs telling you life moves on...] so, in a way, i guess i'm still fulfilling some of those expectations. i wanted to have a baby around the time i was 32. i am. it is a play production baby. she is due in jan/feb 2019. she's gonna be beautiful. and also, that committed relationship...yeah...it's gonna be with myself. no worries, i won't throw a wedding for myself and making you buy me presents (unless you want too...i'll register at anthropologie, the strand, michael's)...but i am trying to fall in love with the one person i know will always be here for me.
at the beginning of the year, i chose a word. the word was trust. i originally chose it because i thought i needed to trust others' more. what i am learning is that i need to learn to trust myself more and trust that i am living the life that is meant for me and trust my strength and my knowledge and my voice and my words and my gut...trust it all.
so, hello 32. i trust you. let's do this thing.