1. on sunday i emailed in a term paper and held a little get-together (p.s. i have amazing friends and you all should be so lucky to have them come to your apartment and drink mulled wine) and so began my winter break. the nice thing about being in grad school: i have winter breaks again. from thanksgiving to last sunday i felt like i was on a rollercoaster. papers, exams, plays, readings, performances...every day something was due or something was happening. a lot was good--i had readings of two plays, i got a little award, i performed a new poem...on top of finals which weren't bad but weren't my favorite activities. i am still so tired from these last few weeks and today i can feel my body shutting down, preparing for incoming sickness.
in many ways, i've been just going for the last three months. my semester started aug 27. two weeks later, i was dumped. while i wasn't always crazy busy these last three months, i feel like i spent a lot of time trying to just keep going, to keep my head afloat. things were happening. i couldn't stop no matter how much i wanted to. and now i can stop. and it is a little terrifying. if i'm honest, the last few days have been pretty tough emotionally. there are hormonal reasons for that. it is also the time of year that i struggle through. but i also feel like my body was beginning to register that a calm was coming. and with that calm comes more time to think and react and let things settle in. and that is scary. i don't want to feel any worse than i've felt. i don't want any more epiphanies or memories or anything else. i just want to get through it, this. of course, i know that the only way i'm going to get through this and not feel this broken anymore is to let whatever comes up these next few weeks wash over me and through me. bah. hum. bug.
on the flip side, i have so much i want to do these next few weeks. edit two plays. finish a first draft of another. read like 10 books. work out 3 times a week. sleep. but as of today, the only thing my brain can handle is watching netflix and episodes of tv shows from the last month that i missed. baby steps.
2. in the last 48 hours, i've gotten so many cute, meaningful gifts and cards from friends. a mug with shakespeare insults, another mug with the words 'choose happy', a book , a poem that came with a piece of art, tea, cute dog adhesive flags that came with the most supportive note i've gotten in a while...these were all surprises and they almost got me to cry, but i didn't...so there.
4. oftentimes it seems people come in and out of life to teach you something...or that is what i tell myself so i feel better about it all. for example, i like to think that one of the major reasons my ex came through for the second time was to remind me of my passions. i was writing before he came back, but he pushed me to write more and his job moved us to nyc and that changed (and continues to change) everything. so sometimes i tell myself all of this had to happen so that i could sit in this apartment writing the next great play that no one will see (ha...hmm). also, i went on a few dates with a guy and then we mutually ghosted each other two weeks ago and i was wondering why the universe even had me go out with him in the first place and then i remembered that he told me to watch parks and rec...and now i am on season 4. so, you know, everyone comes into your life for a reason...and sometimes you watch to see if the door hits them on the way out..because that would be only fair.
5. i saw star wars, guys. only like 500+ days until the next one comes out.
6. i am planning on sitting down over the next few days and doing some major reflecting. i've been doing a little on instagram as a part of the #decemberreflections photo challenge, but i think i need to sit for a few hours and write and vision and cry and drink some wine. i'll probably take artsy pictures of the whole thing and post some of my reflections next week. stay tuned...
7. in a moment of craziness, i signed up to raise $3500 and run the NYC Half Marathon in March and the NYC Marathon in November for Team for Kids. WHAT THE HELL, CHARLY??!? here is my fundraising page. i have to raise $1000 by 2/25. stay tuned for lots of begging on FB and reminders that i am turning 30 in March and wouldn't it be great if you gave $30 to this cause in lieu of a present...?
8. i spend a lot of time worrying that i am just writing the same things over and over again on the blog. i worry because my brain mostly cycles through like six topics these days: 1. depression sucks, 2. my heart is broken and jesus christ why does it hurt so much, 3. my dog and star wars will save me, 4. i'm so sleepy, 5. men of tinder and coffee meets bagel, do you want to meet me or just write me for three days and then disappear? disappear...oh okay. cool. thats cool, and 6. i should be writing. i suck at writing. no i don't. yes i do. i shouldn't write personal things anymore. is that even possible? maybe i should become a hermit farmer. oh man send help.... yup. six topics. do you care if all my blog posts are about those six things?
i hope not.