peace out 2016

well, we made it, folks. we made it to the last day of 2016. this year has both felt like forever and like a minute. it has felt wonderful and like shit. and so i am happy to see 2016 go, but also know it is a year i'll remember forever for a number of reasons. 

as i look ahead to 2017, i am just hoping to be more comfortable in my own skin, being the person i already am as opposed to the person i want to be as per pinterest, the person i think i should be as per facebook, the person i'd like you to think i am as per instagram, and whoever the person i am as per twitter. 

because, let's face it, 2017 may be a shitshow and the best way to combat the possible fuckery is to be yourself.

so. 

yeah.

happy new year y'all.

see you on the flip side.

quiet, a poem

the following is a little poem i wrote when thinking about quiet moments...

 

the kind of quiet

sometimes the world feels too loud

it feels like everyone is speaking and no one is listening

and all I want to do is bring my hands to my ears

close my eyes

wish myself into another existence

into another moment

into the quiet of the woods

into a time and place when I can hear my breath

and almost hear my heart

and i can hear the squirrel in the leaves

and the wind in the branches

and your feet on the path in front of me.

sometimes I can’t deal with the all caps

with the retorts

with the everyone trying to one up each other

trying to be the loudest

trying to be the smartest

trying not to give a shit the most

sometimes I want quiet care

I want a hand on top of mine

that look of understanding

that search for connection

sometimes the world is so loud

I wonder if we are trying to yell

to prove to ourselves that we are here

like how teenagers’ voices bounce off our ear drums

as they find the bounds between youth and adulthood

or like how we othered people, we who have been othered,

have had to yell to prove that we exist

have feelings and lives and blood and bone

we yell to show we are alive and cannot be ignored

we yell to show we are not to be inferior-ized, child-ized

and so what does it mean that I sometimes can’t handle the decibel

can’t handle the yelling

wait

maybe it is that there is just too much yelling

and I can’t hear the ones that matter,

the ones that hit my soul,

the ones that I say

yes yes yes yes yes yes to

sometimes I worry that my yearning for quiet is just a form of escape

and is an attempt to ignore the work that my life requires

and sometimes I note that it is just that I am an introvert

and my soul prefers written words read with tea and a pen in hand

alone or nearly alone on a Saturday afternoon

I wonder how to balance the sound needed to thrive

and the sound that feels as though it beats me

down further into myself so that I don’t just yearn for quiet

but also for isolation

 

I want the kind of quiet you learn from

the kind of quiet that you listen to and in

the kind of quiet that prepares you for battle

the kind of quiet that is actually quite lou

more joy

this holiday season has felt a bit different than the last few before. 

i got to spend more time with family. i got my mom and dad to celebrate a holiday together. my grandparents were able to get out of their house for thanksgiving and have a nice little thanksgiving getaway. christmas started out quiet with just me, my boyfriend, and the dog, but that night my dad and niece came over for dinner. it was quiet, intimate, and slightly awkward as any good family get-together should be. yesterday i had brunch with old college friends (and stood up against them in a pizza hut/dominos debate...pizza hut all the way...thank god one friend was in agreement...excuse us while we enjoy our personal pan pizzas) and then spent the rest of the day showing my niece the city with the bf. we went back to the kerry james marshall exhibit, walked through central park, walked over the brooklyn bridge and made our way to shake shack. i was made fun of because i don't snap the snaps on my coat (why do i have to snap and zip?!), because i think pie without whipped cream is blasphemy, because i didn't want a milkshake, and because when it comes to fight or flight, i flee. i have issues, okay? issues i discovered that are easily made fun of. 

so much family time. so many good conversations. so many laughs and realizations and moments of reprieve. 

we all needed that in my family this year, i think. and because we listened to that need, this season has felt more intimate, more joyful, more meaningful. and i am really appreciative of that.

i am also really grateful to have a partner who wants to get to know my family and who is as sensitive to the issues beneath the surface as i am. and who dived in without the slightest complaint. i know this is part of the reason this season has felt a lot, well, better. and, as i said, i am grateful for that. so fucking grateful. 

so, all in all, it has been a good season despite the craziness of the world, the projects i should be working on, and seasonal depression that has been lingering in the shadows. i'll take the good. i'll hold on and cherish the good, the joy.

sparkle

i want to sparkle in 2017.

i want to feel like my best fucking self.

i want to be so me it is ridiculous.

i want to light up, light myself up, light up a room. 

i want to feel good.

and to be honest, i am worried i won't be able to feel that way. i am worried about what is really going to happen in 2017. it feels like we are on the edge of something. we are on the edge of something. i am just really afraid of what is on the other side. 

but, as much as i can, i want to feel the above. i want to make these feelings a priority--knowing i won't be able to achieve them every day but...they will be goals.

i am writing a list of intentions for 2017 that i'll probably share later, but know this is the underlying vibe.

i want to sparkle, y'all.