the morning after

i went to bed last night already knowing. i looked at the picture of my 97 year old grandmother, who yesterday acknowledged that this could be the last election she may be alive for--i promptly told her to stop talking, after she voted. i looked at the picture of my smiling face after i voted.

i had sat and done the math and while no one on the television was willing to admit it and while friends of mine said to keep hope alive, i knew. i climbed into bed, put my phone on silent, and closed my eyes.

oddly enough, i slept better than i have the last few weeks. i think, in part, because there was nothing to be done. i went to bed knowing the outcome of this election process and now i had to come to terms with it.

still at 6am, i stared out the window, refusing to look at my phone. i didn't want to read the words "president-elect". i didn't want to see the text messages from family and friends. i stared for a while and then finally bit the bullet. and there it was. confirmation.

and then i felt them...tears.

i am an emotionally odd person, i feel. in that i can be a champion at crying, but not at the things you'd expect. i've not cried at funerals of family members, but i have cried at particularly sad commercials. and so as much as i knew i felt gutted, i didn't expect the tears to appear. 

and with the tears i realized just how scared i am.

i've been saying i am scared, but before it was in the abstract. it wasn't in front of me. now it is here. the reality is here. as jay smooth (and lots of others) said, hate won last night. sexism won last night. racism won last night. homophobia won last night. white, patriarchal supremacy won last night. i've been well aware of the fact that much of this country could give a damn about me because of my race and gender and now they feel vindicated. now they feel heard. and now who knows what will be said and done all under the image of the american flag. for weeks people told me it couldn't happen and there was always part of me that knew it could. because there were people who felt this lost with obama and while i can't comprehend that, i know they exist. because there are people who truly believe supporting many of the freedoms i find obvious is a dangerous proposition. because they are just as adamant as i am. because history has shown us this. history has shown people's true colors. and we like to think that we are past certain moments in time, we like to think that we are smarter than those before, and we aren't. we are different, but we aren't smarter and we aren't any less selfish and we aren't any less hate filled.

i may not be a body on a plantation, but it does not mean that there are no people in this country that believe i still belong there because i am less than human. and the worst part...some of the people who think that have sat next to me and claimed me as a friend.

i sat up and thought of the things that scare me. personally. the little and the big things that may change over the next four years. the practical things and the emotional things. i thought of my friends and what they are afraid of losing. i thought of how easily my brain had made some switches, already made edits. i thought of how i used to say i wanted kids sooner rather than later and how this pretty much secures me not having a child before i am 35.

i also thought of how i learned about history. world history. and i remember learning about the roman empire and just how large and powerful it was. and i am remember thinking that if something that big and powerful eventually fell then that meant the US would eventually fall too. and i thought of how i've been wondering, with all of this difference and hatred spewing, if this was the beginning of the fall and i woke up today pretty sure that we were at the start of it. 

anyway, i found myself crying. i find myself crying. 

and then of course here i am writing. i have a number of plays i am working on and to be honest only two right now seem important. because they discuss race and gender. because they discuss history. i know we need entertainment. i know we need escape. but right now the idea of continuing with some of my work seems ridiculous. maybe i'll feel better later.

tonight claudia rankine is coming to my class. i am hoping she will give me some guidance on how to use writing to combat the things i am scared of, the people who i am scared of. i will read citizen again today and breathe.

my boyfriend wrapped his arms around me this morning and i leaned back and i almost cried again and then we talked about how we are going to have to get to work--doing work we were already doing, adding work we didn't think we'd have to do. 

and so we will. it starts today guys. the work starts now. 

we wait

i didn't want to write anything until i knew the outcome of the election. 

but it is close. we are waiting. we are scared.

tonight, while sipping wine and trying to breathe, i looked over the exit polls.

and it is fascinating.

not really surprising, but fascinating. 

we are a divided country. 

and we are divided by race like whoa.

gender too. a bit.

we have opposing views of where we are as a country. in 2008 and 2012, i voted for change. i voted for obama. today, in the exit poll, those who wanted change the most voted for trump. 

i don't know where we'll be in an hour or two. or tomorrow morning. 

i do know that the feeling as much as i can't believe we are here, i am not surprised. and those exit polls, they show why i am not surprised. because we are multiple countries in one. because we see things differently. we define great in different ways. 

and i think they also show how what people say and do in public is different than what they do in private. 

and in private, people do some crazy shit.

#imwithher until the end. 

today and tomorrow

i am sore today.

i was feeling cocky about my walking ability until i had to use some stairs.

what they say about stairs post-marathon is true. it hurts. walking down the subway steps is its own kind of hell. just fyi.

i had to run for the bus today though and i totally could and i find that weird.

to be honest i find it weird that my body hasn't, like, thrown in the towel.

i also find it weird that life doesn't just stop because you ran a marathon. like what is this thing called work? and more importantly what is this thing called...

tomorrow is election day. 

i haven't written that much about the election because, well, i think there are people who say things better than i can. 

i have said that i am with hillary clinton.

have i mentioned how scared i am of clinton not winning?

probably not. because it scares me. 

but election day is happening tomorrow. thank the heavens. and hopefully my fears are unfounded.

honestly i am in complete denial that the election could go the other way. i honestly can't fathom it. i can't imagine it. it is terrifying as a young black woman to think about what that would mean for me and those i love and care about.

it has been terrifying to read and hear the vitriol that has been uncovered during this election. truth be told that won't go away tomorrow and that is sad and scary too. and truth be told it has always been there. just hidden. just under wraps.

that is scary to me. it is scary to me that there are people in this country that just hate me due to the color of my skin or my gender. but i also guess that has always been true.

doesn't make it any less scary though...

today i asked my boyfriend if he'd like to be my hot date to the polling station tomorrow. he said yes (so basically i am winning). when i step into the booth tomorrow, i am casting my vote for a candidate who i believe will support me and those i love. she isn't perfect, but neither am i. none of us are. and i will be proud to refer to her as madam president. 

but until that happens in a few hours, i am going to put my legs up and work on this soreness so i am not hobbling into the polling station.