yesterday morning i sat thinking about all the things i needed to do and didn't want to do. i then looked toward the closet door and then looked at the time and thought...
and i went to the closet and pulled out my paints and a small canvas and proceeded to paint for 45min.
the last two tuesdays i've done some version of this. spending some time i have alone at home to paint.
i'm not a painter though.
far from it. i have an affection of visual arts, but have never felt like they were in my wheelhouse. i love words and i love writing, but there is something about seeing, about the visual, about the thing that brings to mind thousands of words or no words, about expressing something inside that you don't have words for in a medium without words (sometimes...lots of visual arts include words too i realize).
i've been finding it hard to speak or write about many of the things bothering me. mostly i don't want to share things that aren't mine to share and i don't want to upset anyone, stress anyone else out. i fear the things i'm feeling are unfair and so i've been trying to stay quiet. it has resulted in me showing up in life as sometimes agitated. usually with those i love the most. because i've spent the rest of the day trying my darndest to be a nice, i usually can't keep the agitation at bay by the time i'm with people i care about. i'm festering--as I've been known to do. it's not pleasant. sorry friends who are dealing with me these days. i hate showing up in the world this way. i go to therapy every week and basically discuss this blockage that feels like it has made a home in my throat, keeping down words and separating my brain from my heart and gut. no doubt it thinks it's protecting me and instead it is reeking havoc on me and my relationships. so right now words are not helping me out. they are too tied up in my mind. so i've turned to paint.
i've had the urge to paint for over a year now, but didn't act on it because, well, i'm not a painter. because they wouldn't be any good. because where would i put the paintings?
finally, last week i just gave in to the urge.
blockage achievement 1 unlocked.
ever since i painted the first last week, i've found myself thinking about color and shape as i walk down the street. i think about starting with something circular rather than a line. i think about new paint colors i want and i picture myself sitting in front of my books with a much bigger canvas and just trying to create something else. i like how paint feels and how it marks you and the surfaces around you. i like that it is messy. i like that you can paint over something instead of hitting delete. i like that you can pile paint on top of each other. i like that i start out one place and end up somewhere else. i like when my instinct says to add more of a color even though i don't know why. i like that i can see things in the paint, in the painting, that you may not.
my brain appreciates having a different puzzle to figure out, a different form to learn. who knows how long this will last, but i'm happy for now that this urge is here and that i'm letting myself lean into it. i may not be a painter, but i am enjoying being someone who paints.