the apartment is so quiet now.
i hear the buzz of the refrigerator now. the sighs of the walls. the pops of the radiator. the apartment is so quiet without another set of footsteps, without another set of lungs. it is quiet without the sound of soccer being watched on weekend mornings. it is quiet without the sound of the newspaper being read. it is quiet without the sound of someone hiding. it is quiet without the sound of someone waiting. it is quiet without the sound of being lost and lonely but not alone.
the quiet now is mine. just mine. it is the sound of my chest, opening despite itself. it is the sound of my heart beating. it is the sound of me learning to be lonely and alone, but not lost. it is the sound of disappointment and shock and settling and groundedness. it is the sound of coming home to myself. it is the sound of memory and fear. it is the sound of calm and breath and the present moment.
it is wonderful and heartbreaking, this quiet. this reminder that there is an energy, an entity, a dream, habits, hopes, beliefs...gone. also this reminder that there is an energy, an entity, a dream, habits, hopes, beliefs...still here.
i don't rush to fill the quiet. i sometimes sit and stare at the wall and just feel and listen to it. sometimes i let it enter my chest and linger there until tears fall. in the mornings this may have a terrible effect on the day. in the evenings this usually allows me to rest better. this quiet is a mixed bag of love and hate, loneliness that is needed and loneliness that is loathed. sometimes, after a bit, i turn on the music to drown out the edges of the quiet. i can only sit with it so long before the fear of being broken open forever fills me.
i started getting some bodywork done on friday and i was amazed by all she could tell about me and my life as she released tensions and realigned parts of me. she said a lot, but one thing she noted was my energy.
you really do have a super chill, grounded, and calm energy, charly.
i think i started crying because i haven't felt those things in months really. i've felt anything but that. but as i sit here, in the quiet, tears filling my eyelids for the second time this morning, i am not sure if i'm crying because he left or because i have returned. or maybe they are intertwined.
in the quiet, i feel her, myself. i feel the chill, grounded and calm version of me. i feel her so strongly. she is here in the quiet. she got lost before. she was pushed out before. she was hidden under worry and compromise and an inability to be understood. but she has returned. his departure has allowed for her arrival. i wish it didn't have to be that way, but here we are.
here we are, she says. here you are.
breathe in, breathe out.
feel the openness of your chest
feel how vulnerable you are
feel how closely linked sadness and happiness actually are
feel how filled with love you are as you experience the loss of it
feel the gratitude you have for those that get you even as you mourn those who didn't
don't run away from her, from you
you are right here
in the quiet
in the loneliness
you are here with yourself
welcome yourself in
sit with her a while
help her make a home here again
promise you won't let her go
promise her you know who she is despite what others say
promise her you'll stick up for her when others put her down
hold her in the quiet
hold her here
and let her hold you