every night for the last two months, i've written down five things i am grateful for. it started as a way to feel more positive about things, to not get bogged down in the icky stuff my brain likes to churn out. sometimes it is so easy to think of five things. so easy! because it was a great day and great days are filled with gratitude.
but sometimes i sit there, and really have to think about it because on some days i forget the good. and to be honest, a lot of us do. i, you, we.
some days are so tough that your mind would like you to believe that there is nothing good around you. sometimes all you can think is "fuck everything" and you crawl into a ball waiting the apocalypse. and so sometimes those five things are a struggle. and i sit there thinking and thinking and then it hits me...
you can forget that you are thankful to be breathing, to have a roof over your head, to have food to eat, to have a phone to call family, to have books, to have heat, to have the best four-legged companion a person could ask for...
you can forget that even when the good seems so far away that you are thankful for a family that loves you and supports you, who calls you all the damn time and who listens to you complain, who feeds you and hugs you and worries about you. you are grateful to have parents who try to come to every play and every reading and make my dreams come true.
and you are thankful for friends who laugh and cry with you and call you to tell you their good news and listen as you share your own, for the friends who call you while they are walking home or eating a lobster roll and want to make you hate them for a minute. you are thankful for the friends you barely talk to and the ones you see several times a week. you are grateful for the texts and emails and reminders that they are great wingmen/wingwomen for when i am ready to go out on the prowl (ugh, guys, i will never be ready for prowling. dating is fine. prowling...oh sweet jesus...).
you are grateful for the people you are getting to know who show you how friendships can be started as we get older, for strangers who do something nice and considerate when you weren't expecting it, for the men on dating sites that aren't weird or creepy or asking you to marry them but instead seem nice and give you hope and (sometimes) text you back.
you can forget that even the sad things have good too. even though it is heartbreaking to think about, you are grateful for your ex and the things that you shared and you are grateful for his family and their love. you are grateful you had the opportunity to feel like a member of his family.
and you are grateful for the lessons you are learning in the aftermath. you are grateful for the independence you are nourishing and the spirit you are letting free. you are grateful for the opportunity to get that much closer to yourself and there is part of you that is grateful that life is forcing you to do the work.
speaking of which, you are grateful for shonda rhimes' book because she reminded you to say yes to yourself.
you are grateful for the words yes and no.
you are even grateful for that 90min spin class you took this morning.
you are grateful for words and writing and that there are some people in this world who actually like the words you write. you are grateful for every person who has made your work come alive. you are grateful for the people who support this dream and you are grateful for the people who are pushing you to keep going even when you get scared.
you are grateful for riverside park and falling leaves.
and warm sweaters and apple pie.
you are grateful for hope and wonder and beauty.
you are grateful for love and understanding.
you are grateful to be here, on a beautiful day, sitting on the couch before you will get up and clean the apartment. you are grateful that your father is coming and that you guys will be having a father-daughter-dog day. you are grateful for whole foods making a turkey breast so that you could just focus on making the sides. you are grateful for the music you will play as you go through the day and the movie you hope to watch after dinner.
you are grateful for this life. so freaking grateful even as it feels all out of whack.
i'm so grateful, guys...because i know i am lucky. so fucking lucky to have the life i have. and for that i thank my lucky stars every day.