i woke up at 4:30 this morning and knew that i may be up for a bit. it was that kind of wake up and so i shifted and turned onto my back and stared at the ceiling. i heard the pup nearby, licking his paws, and so i reached my arm out to him. he paused his licking to come closer and he snuggled up next to me, his face near my face. and i proceeded to give him a little belly rub for a few minutes.
and i was thinking about how my facebook profile is like a shrine to the pup right now. he is the one i am with the most now and it shows... and then i was thinking how this pup has been the most consistent thing in my life the past five years. i mean, my family is too, but i mean in terms of my immediate, every day experiences.
this pup has been with me through: living in two cities (if you want to get technical about it, you could even say three since i got him while living in boston, but picked him up the day i moved to philly), six apartments, four men (including two live-in boyfriends and two not as serious several-month-long dating situations) and therefore four breakups of some fashion, two master's degree programs (again, if you want to get technical, you could say three since i had applied, gotten into, and accepted the offer for a joint degree program, but never started my coursework for the second degree...), an internship and seven jobs (more if we consider teaching at different yoga studios as different jobs or different positions at the store i worked at), three major career changes, every play i've written outside of college, every half marathon i've run, my uncle having a stroke, my grandma being diagnosed with cancer, some major life disruptions with my parents...
the pup has been with me.
also, a lot has happened these last five years.
and as i was giving him a belly rub, i could feel some anxiety coming up. i could feel my brain beginning to ask what would happen if i lost him now too and so i rubbed his belly a little bit more and i held him a little bit tighter and i knew that soon enough i would have to turn on the light and pull out the computer because there was no way i was going to fall back asleep calmly after that thought.
thoughts have been taking their toll as of late. more so now than a few weeks ago, my mind likes to take a trip down memory lane and i often end up hurt and angry by the end of journey. i guess my brain is trying to find the information it needs to move forward and move on, but maybe it is also trying desperately to hold on to what it knew to be true. it is a weird process where in one moment i am relishing new found independence and sense of self, i am relishing the possibility that my life now has, and the next moment i am thrust back into a memory or thought that washes all of that away.
i guess there is a kind of stability now that my mind is searching for and it is like my brain is using this rickety ladder to look for it. sometimes i fall off the ladder. sometimes i don't want to get back on the ladder. but it is also my only way to find that place of stability, of acceptance, of contentment.
sometimes thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks. like the pup thought. or like hours ago, when i was doing something completely different, when my brain suddenly remembered that i was left...that the person i loved and thought i'd have years with, a future with, literally walked by me and out what was then our door and is now just my door. it hit me so hard and i tried my best not to break down in front of people who would have no way of knowing what was going on.
and then the ramifications of that leaving hit me like a ton of bricks too and it hit me that the life i've been dreaming about for the past few years will never exist...at least not in the way i pictured it and not in the timeline i imagined (and yes, we can argue, that it was never going to exist anyway because of who i am and who he is and that's why this is all for the best...blah blah blah...yes...i co-sign that argument...but when the ton of bricks hits, it didn't care about such details). and while i know, inherently, that it is okay...it hit me so hard that all i wanted was to crawl up into a ball and hide underneath the table and never come out again.
but i didn't.
though, honestly, i wonder what would happen if i ever followed these urges of mine. like hiding under a table. not leaving bed for a whole day or days (see, the dog helps to prevent this). getting my car and driving off and not telling anyone. and the other urges...the ones that are sadder and i don't want to go into on a blog. i wonder sometimes just what would happen if i let my thoughts have what they wanted...
but usually, thank the universe, the worst thoughts are gone in a matter of moments. or hours.
most hours of the day it is okay.
just sometimes there is an hour or two when i am not sure i can be positive and accept the fact that time exists and that in five years from now, i may wake up at 4:30 in the morning and i may give the pup a belly rub while thinking of all the things he's been through with me and i may think to myself that he was with me during that time (this time, this moment in time) i wasn't sure i'd make it through, i wasn't sure i'd be strong enough to stay positive and hopeful, i wasn't sure i could believe in a silver lining or in a future that didn't feel as crummy as i felt in that moment....i may think of all of those things and then i may think of how that was just a moment in time, another one he lived with me through, and i may think of how life looks more like the dream than i could have ever imagined.
and i think that may happen because it is now close to 6am. it has been over an hour since i first felt this way. and i can feel the okayness slipping back in, taking over.
and i can already see how this was a moment in time, one that he was with me for, one that will pass and already has.