1. i think i only love apple pie and hot chocolate because of the whipped cream i put on top. really i just want whipped cream. like...all the time.
2. i had a dream three nights ago about not meeting my deductible for health insurance and having to pay an exorbitant amount of money for meds. scratch that, it was a nightmare. seeing as though this has happened in real life several times this year, my guess is that i am worried about what will happen next year.
3. i get a lot of pleasure out of washing the bed sheets and comforter and then putting them on the bed. i did that today and i seriously am counting down the minutes until i can get into bed and be a happy cocooned person.
4. when shopping online, i'll put a lot of things in my "shopping cart" and when i go back, i notice that they are all items that are yellow. and then i realize that i will pretty much buy/love anything that is yellow. and then i back away from the computer.
5. i am often afraid to share my opinions because i don't feel as if i'll get the words right and then i'll be ripped apart or misunderstood or deemed dumb (so instead i fester).
6. the older i get, the more concerned i get about my asthma...or that i have some illness that is causing my breathing troubles that i don't know about and...oh man...i watched too much ER as a kid.
7. my favorite nina simone album is wild is the wind. it makes me cry and laugh and feel things.
8. as a good i was fascinated with names and i got a baby name book with names and meanings and i would come up with future kids names based on meanings and such. i also learned a lot of celebrity baby names. i am still slightly fascinated by this. i still do these things. noting has changed since i was 10.
9. i am losing patience. with...a lot of things. is this what happens when you are in your 30s? but, also, i feel like i lost more patience with people and things post-election. so maybe this is what happens when certain things are made painfully clear? or maybe this is what happens when you realize that there are entire segments of the population who don't have a clue what it is like to be you/don't think you are human enough to care? i don't know. but i've lost it...patience. it is gone. RIP.
10. this is basically a continuation of #5, but i tend to think of myself as an open person. i write a lot about myself on this blog, on social media...but i've noticed that, one-on-one, i am often quieter than i would expect. i often don't share how i am feeling. i often don't share my anger. i often don't share my happiness. i often don't share my sadness. i mean the real stuff. not the stuff that alludes to it. i mean the nitty-gritty. the truth, really. the truth that is beyond the surface.
don't get me wrong. i know a lot of that is not meant to be shared with strangers....but what about those i love? what about those i know love and support me? sometimes i wonder about the walls i've built around me. they are pretty see-through. many people may even think they are on the inside along with me. but the older i get, the more i realize that...no, in that moment, i wasn't as open as i wanted to be. i didn't really express myself. i didn't let that person in. really in.
last year, my professors said they suspected something was keeping me from opening up more in my work. i had some kind of a block.
i sometimes worry that the block they noticed as these walls.