i was going through my journal (i have a five year journal) and i noticed that for the last two/three years, i've been depressed around now. or at least i've expressed feeling sad and overwhelmed around now. i thought that was weird until i remembered a few days later that i've written about this time of year being depressing for me for years. i've written about it on other blogs and in other journals. and still it felt like a discovery. like i was realizing something new again.
fall is my favorite time of year. i mean the leaves are changing colors, i can wear sweaters and pants and boots again, apple cider is abundant...but i also find myself struggling.
this year anxiety feels as present as my depression. which makes sense. i have so many balls in the air now and i'm afraid that they'll drop. my career feels like it is moving and i'm so scared of that movement stopping. maybe part of my depression and anxiety this time of year is tied to how many programs--be it school, writer's groups, fellowships--start around now. i've always wanted to succeed and push forward. i'm terrified of failing. maybe this is the time of year that terror feels most palpable.
i don't know.
i think that even as this time of year gets my emotions in a tizzy, it also provides possible balms, moments of relief.
like hiking to a waterfall. or drinking apple cider. or wearing hiking books and a sweater and stretchy pants which is all i want to wear ever, really. or weather nice enough to sit outside to read or just watch people walk by. the fall is when i feel like running again.
these things don't cure my anxiety or depression. but they help. they help me get through my work. they keep me aligned and focused enough. two months ago, sitting on a plane on the way back from iceland, i realized i needed to go to therapy again. there's much larger, life-work to be done now to work on my anxiety and depression. i want to be more content. i need to be. which is why i've gone back and i'm so happy i listened to myself.
this world mental health day i am thinking about how i can be nicer to myself and honor the moods and shifts and highs and lows that abound in this mind of mine.