yesterday between eclipse watching and rooftop new moon rituals, i spent a lot of the day staring at the new york city skyline from different vantage points. it wasn't until late last night that i thought it was an apropos way to spend the day.
because today marks three years since i moved to new york city. since i moved back home.
it feels longer, to be honest. so much has happened and changed and it feels like i've lived three different lifetimes in those three years. for example, yesterday i was in an orientation for new adjuncts (because i am teaching undergrad playwriting 1 this fall). three years ago, i wasn't even sure about getting my mfa. things have started and ended, some things have just ended, and some things have just started. the one constant may be my apartment (and the pup). i'm still in the same apartment, annoying designed kitchen and all. but the apartment is brighter now. filled with books and plants and more open space.
i mean, in some ways, that is a nice way to explain how i've changed too. more books (more learning), more plants (more growing), and more open space (more room for the unknown). i've learned, i've grown, and i've fostered more space for the new.
yesterday, i finished a production draft of a short play, learned about teaching stuff, kicked ass in boxing class, then spent the early evening on a rooftop thinking about the new moon in leo, stood in line at trader joe's for way too long, and then walked to the subway, admiring the temperature and the beauty of new york at night. this is not what i would have imagined three years ago, but it feels right.
during the new moon ritual, i wished for fearlessness because there are a lot of things going on and a lot of things in the works and i'm scared shitless i'll suck or things will fall through or something won't work out. but honestly, that has happened before. it has happened in the three years i've been here. things didn't work out, i've really sucked sometimes, i didn't get all the things i wanted/worked for. but that didn't stop me from writing or loving or dreaming or reaching. so, yeah, i want that fearlessness, but if i'm honest, i need it more for, like, hiking with the bf because something he thinks is a walk in the park is like this is dangerous, defcon level 1 (or 5, i don't know, the most severe one...) for me...
i think what i'm trying to say is that new york is not easy, but it inspires me to be fearless even as i'm shaking and wanting to throw up.
so thanks, nyc. thanks for being my home. here's to many more years together.