this morning, i spent time in the kitchen. honestly, the last few months i haven't been in the kitchen often. i'd like to blame evening grad school classes three times a week, but it is not like i find myself in the kitchen the other four nights of the week...so i can't blame that. as i have gotten older, i've noticed that my habits shift. i have seasons of cooking and being healthy and seasons of not cooking and enjoying ample amounts of mac & cheese. i have seasons of yoga and meditation and i have seasons of running and spin and i have seasons of enjoying the feel of the couch underneath my ass. i have seasons of reading book after book and i have seasons of barely making it through a poem.
i shift. we shift.
i always wonder about these shifts though. i wonder if i should get used to the ebb and flow or if i should buckle down and grow some roots. this has not been the season of yoga and meditation and i often find myself looking out the window, wishing i had started my day with a few minutes of quiet, of eyes closed, of breath. i look out the window and wish that were a habit, like brushing my teeth. though, if i am honest, my dental care has been a seasonal habit as well. at least until i started going to the dentist regularly again and hating life because of it...
jokes aside i often sit on my couch and look around the apartment and look out the window and think about all that has happened and all that is happening and all that will happen and i wonder who i want to be on a day-to-day basis. who i want to be in every season.
and sometimes i get answers. i want to be someone who cooks, who meditates, who moves my body regularly, who reads before bed (books, not the internet), who doesn't consume as much (in multiple ways), who airs on the side of simplicity, who finds pleasure in routine, who finds pleasure in moments and days, who is quiet and listens, but who is confident in her beliefs to speak them aloud, who is deliberate-slow even...
but i recognize that i am also the seasonal habit person. and so perhaps this is just the season of yearning to be that someone just as it has been the season of wanting to paint, of wanting to craft something with my hands. maybe there is a balance to be found. maybe there is discipline to be found.
this morning i made a soup i haven't made in over a year while listening to zadie smith on npr. and i thought of how i want more of this in my day-to-day. i thought of how i want to be this person who finds solace in the kitchen. and i thought of how, at least today, i was.