so i just wrote a whole long post about this past week.
and then squarespace sucked and lost it.
but considering how this week has been a shitshow of things, losing a blog post seems to be the least of my issues and, honestly, maybe it is the heavens saving me from oversharing.
whatever the case, i am annoyed but didn't throw my computer which is pretty good.
i wrote a whole long post about how last wednesday was an awesome day. i finally got to share that EST is doing my play, Behind the Sheet. i wrote how i was excited to share that news. i wrote how nice it feels to know that there will be a production that friends and family you see day-in and day-out will get to see. i wrote how weird it is that i can make that distinction these days.
and then i wrote about how thursday was a not so awesome day. my mom was taken to the hospital and needed to have emergency surgery. my grandma, who lives with my mom, needed someone to take care of her. thursday night, when my mom was wheeled into surgery, i went to check on my grandma and then grabbed my first real meal of the day so that i could go back and sit in the waiting room waiting for my mom to get out of surgery. i spent the next few days, with the amazing help of my mom's friends and my friends, taking care of my grandma and figuring out what was going to happen when she was discharged. saturday i picked my mom up from the hospital and dropped my grandma off at a healthcare facility for respite care.
saturday was probably one of the longest and toughest emotional days of my life to date and yet i feel numb about it all.
sunday was the start of something wonderful in my career.
today is thursday. in the days since i've had a lot of serious conversations and anxiety moments, but i also played in a ballpit and started teaching for the semester. my mom is doing much better. she just walked to starbucks and got some ridiculous frappuccino. she's fine though still not 100%. my grandma is okay. everyone is okay.
i wrote about how 2018 keeps doing this. giving me the good with the bad, the bad with the good. it keeps showing me different possibilities, different paths, different options and then slapping me in the face with some hard truths. 2018 has forced me to grow up and question a lot. it has forced me to take criticism from others and acknowledge the places i need to grow in myself. i keep saying that i didn't expect 2018 to be this way and it still keeps fucking with my expectations.
i wrote how that is probably a good thing.
i wrote about how alone i felt this week and yet how clearly the universe showed me i am not alone.
i wrote about the weird juxtaposition of getting the sort of emails i've been waiting for for years while sitting in the hospital with my mom.
i wrote about how this week has shown me how i don't allow myself to truly feel all that i am feeling (i have spent much of the week pushing away emotions--good and bad) and yet has reinforced how important it is to feel things as they come up. feel joy when things are joyful. feel anger when things are enraging. feel overwhelmed with things are overwhelming. because you never know what the next hour is going to bring and like, don't you wish you had celebrated on wednesday so that you wouldn't be upset about not being able to celebrate on thursday? and like maybe if you allowed yourself to feel overwhelmed on saturday, that anxiety wouldn't have followed you to wednesday when you were sitting and minding your business?
anyway, i wrote a lot of things but mostly i was just writing to say that 2018 continues to put me in my place and show me which places i can still push myself to venture to. it continues to show me my greatness and my not-so-greatness. it is putting me face to face with my fears. it is teaching me so much, too much if you ask me. and like, damn, i thought my saturn return was rough.
what fresh, amazing heaven-hell is this?
so yeah. i wrote a much more poetic and nuanced and probably funny post about all of these things, but this is what you get. see, 2018 is still doing her thing...let's see what she does in the last third of the year...