I haven’t written here in a while.
I feel the urge to pull inward, to be quieter about things. Sometimes I wonder if that is because I truly am feeling the need to think/experience things on my own or with a select group of people. And sometimes I wonder if I feel the pull inward because sharing means revealing and revealing can be scary. I am usually someone who finds “keyboard courage,” putting all my feelings out in words for anyone to read. I am not usually someone who finds “in person courage,” putting my feelings out there when face-to-face with people. I think I’ve been working on my in person courage…perhaps that is why I haven’t written here and don’t feel the need to as often.
Who knows.
Anyway, I am writing today because feelings hit me like a ton of bricks this morning and writing is my friend so…here we are.
I found myself crying in the shower this morning because it is Thanksgiving week and the holidays have never been my favorite time of year. I want to be all Christmas cheer and when I was little I thought by now this holiday sadness would have been eclipsed by holiday cheer, but alas I was crying in the shower this morning so what do I know. And I can rationally point out the reasons why I am upset still, why I shouldn’t be upset still, why this year may feel especially weird given last year, how it isn’t all bad, but I cried in the shower this morning because it is the week of Thanksgiving and I kinda just want to skip it but I can’t so here we are.
The fact is everything is fine. My holidays will be fine. I’ll emerge next Monday anxious about something else until it is like December 20th and then I’ll be all like oh right there is another holiday. And then on January 2nd I’ll be like oh no the holidays are over. The holidays can’t win. I can’t win. It’s a thing.
BUT I guess I am writing to just share that. To just say, hey, I cried in the shower this morning over the holidays and am still crying and I feel like an idiot and a 5-year-old, but this is what’s happening. And I have spent the rest of the morning going between letting myself feel it and trying to push it away and I’m not sure where I will land later today, but that’s what’s happening. And it’s okay. And I don’t want sympathy or anything. I just want to share. I want to share because maybe you feel similarly for your own reasons? Maybe you too are feeling weird about the holidays even as you buy your dog a Christmas sweater and sing along to Nat King Cole? Maybe you too will be overcompensating by decorating your apartment and possibly buying a Christmas tree on Friday? Maybe you in one breath will call yourself a grinch and in the next say you are happy the holidays are on their way and then in the next breath decide that maybe all this quiet, free time should be used not to do work but instead to become a better cook because you think you can and honestly you should?
Maybe.
And the truth is, I like the idea of giving thanks. I like the idea of this week being one of gratitude. I like the idea of this season being one of love, family, connection, and grace. So I think I’m gonna focus on that. See these next few weeks as opportunities for gratitude and grace. I really do have so much to be thankful for this year and why not end it focused on that. (Let’s ignore the fact that I have this epiphany like every year…)
Or at least try to.
So, to start, I am grateful for the tears in the shower this morning. I grateful for them because they were letting me know how I was feeling underneath, they were letting me know that I need to take a breath, they were letting me know to take it easy this week, take it easy on myself. Also, they got me to write here.
So thanks tears :)