[you may have noticed that this is now the only post on this blog. surprise! i'm doing some life cleaning and while i hope to be back in this blogging space more often, i want to do it all a bit differently. so...for now...we start over.]
in april, i was in LA for a quick minute.
three months earlier i had booked the trip convinced i'd go and decide that sometime soon i'd make my way there. for like a LA stint. i was so sure of this that i boarded the plane with a sense of the new chapter of my life starting. i couldn't wait to write about it in my memoir...
five days later, on the plane back home, i realized i was really annoyed.
really i had been low-key annoyed the entire trip. every time someone said, "charly, when are you moving here?" i got annoyed. i didn't mean to. i tried to hide it, but by the end i was definitely not answering the question as nicely as i had when i landed days earlier.
and i sat there on the plane thinking about it. why the fuck was i so annoyed?
and then realized it.
and it really didn't have to do with LA or my loving friends who want me to hang out with them.
the friends are great.
and LA is fine. There are palm trees and too much traffic, but hey at least you get to drive (i like driving). It is close to family and friends. And, listen, I could get into being healthy and having a beachfront view (haha...). I actually like LA more than San Francisco which people often tell me is weird and wrong...but...
but it wasn't about LA...
it was about New York.
i didn't want to think about leaving nyc. in fact, the very idea of leaving nyc filled me with separation anxiety. on the plane i realized that the months before had seen a lot of change...and the one constant, the one thing i knew i had for the long haul...was new york.*
the concept of new york being "your boyfriend" was pretty much solidified in that episode of sex and the city, but the older i get (the closer i get to their ages, actually) the more i get that idea. the more i identify with it. new york and her crazy ass subway that is too hot in the summer. new york and its fast paced lifestyle. new york and his "oh my god did that just happen"-ness (i am literally watching a woman leaning out of her 5th floor window, trying to do something weird and dangerous, as i write this so...). new york is my partner. new york celebrates my wins and wipes my tears when i lose. i mean, i was born in new york. i lied about my age to go to jazz bars and finished a novel in a bathroom...all in new york...so...new york has always been "home" but...but before it felt like a default home. it was home because it was where my family was and the like...but it wasn't mine. i wasn't in a relationship with new york. new york wasn't my lover, my friend, my confidant, my nemesis. or rather i didn't see new york as such. but now...my heart has been broken in new york. my heart has been renewed in new york. i ran a marathon in new york. i threw up in the back of an uber in new york (sorry). i danced the night away in new york. i finally and really succumbed to my yearning to be a playwright in new york. BLAH BLAH BLAH YOU ALL KNOW THIS MONOLOGUE BECAUSE BETTER WRITERS THAN ME HAVE ALREADY WRITTEN IT.
BUT yeah...on the plane i realized i had really become one of those new yorkers who don't really ever want to leave new york. an ex proclaimed that we'd die in new york and i remember thinking that was rather presumptuous of him to declare...i remember thinking that may be true but i hope i get to live in some other places first. and...i think that's still true. the thing is...i'd like to live in LA for a bit...because that means i'm probably getting to fulfill another dream of mine. and i'd still like to live abroad some day. so...
i know new york and i will one day have to be in a long distance relationship...but that's okay...because on the plane back from LA i finally committed to nyc. i finally admitted that she makes me feel safe...and a recent therapy session revealed that i pretty much never feel safe with anyone or anything so...it's pretty crazy that new york is the one that gets that level of trust--especially since new york is filled with people and things that literally terrify me for one reason or another...but...hey...love is love. and i love new york.
tomorrow marks four years since i moved back to new york. i think of what was happening four years ago and i shake my head with disbelief. so much has changed...
except i am in the same apartment
the apartment looks different
but the dog is the same
last weekend my dad said i may want to think about moving. and SHOCKER i got upset. annoyed, you might say. and i realized...i don't want to leave my apartment. which is new for me. i've pretty much wanted to move since i arrived. but i've done some things. and friends have saged the shit out of it. and it finally feels like mine, in the way the city does. and even though i have dreams of brownstones and neighborhoods with cuter coffee shops and friends around the corner...i'm not willing to chase them quite yet. this apartment love was solidified after a summer of travel and the realization that more travel is around the bend. i love coming home to my home--the city and the apartment.
so...tomorrow is our anniversary. new york, my apartment, and me...we aren't into big celebrations but i'll be sure to curse her out extra loudly when the subway inevitably is 100 degrees and delayed. i'm not saying this is the best relationship...okay? i'm not saying that a calmer waterfront property wouldn't be a better lover...it would be. i fully intend on cheating on new york with that property....
but all i know is that change and the unknown seem to be my life's current M.O. and new york is, well, there for me. she and my apartment. they are home and...well...if you know me, you know how that's a big thing for me. to feel at home.
so happy anniversary love.
*okay and my dog...but he will leave me one day and new york will still be there